Tag Archives: Facebook

5 Facebook Posts That Make Me Stabby

18 Feb

Someday, you are going to hear shattering glass and a primal scream, followed by the sound of my MacBook Pro shattering on the back patio — all because I just can’t take the Facebook stupid anymore.

stupidpeople

Oh no, it’s not you. You’re fine. It’s those other people.

The ones who post things like this:

1. Repost this picture and get a free MacBook Pro, iPad, Pair of Tickets on Southwest, Boob job, date with Justin Bieber… etc.

Listen up. No one is giving you cool stuff for posting crap on Facebook. That is not how the world works. If you want a MacBook Pro, iPad, or cool vacation,  GET A JOB. If you already have a job and you can’t afford that stuff, get another job. Or, eat macaroni and cheese and stop going to Starbucks. But stop announcing your lack of a work ethic to your friends by incessantly posting stupid things to our news feeds.

2. Giant pictures of things you want to win.

For heaven’s sake, stop entering that damn contest for free boots that makes my Facebook feed look like a 4-H Convention. You don’t need free boots, you need someone wearing a pointy pair to give you a swift kick in the butt for cluttering up everyone’s Facebook feed.

Ditto for that stupid “Women Get it Free,” page. You do not need 100 free laundry soap samples. Go watch “Hoarders” until the feeling passes.

3. Sappy Quotes Attributed to Famous People Who Never Said Them.

My favorite of these (and by “favorite,” I mean “the one I hate the most.”) that’s going around is a speech supposedly by Bill Cosby called “I’m Tired,” where he blames all the problems of the world on African Americans, lazy poor people, drug addicts, Muslims and global warming activists.

Let’s be honest: the reason white people like to post it is because they can pretend it’s not because “Oh, a famous black person said it, not me. So I cannot possibly be racist for posting this.” But Bill Cosby didn’t give the speech. And it is, in fact, racist.

4. Any of the “Like” this picture if you want to save of baby kittens, hate cancer or love Jesus.

Jesus doesn’t need a million likes on Facebook. You save baby kittens by getting your cat fixed. And cancer sucks in a million ways,  but all the Facebook clicks in the world don’t change that. They will not bring back precious lives lost, or speed up a cure. Offer to drive a friend to chemo, donate real money. Care instead of clicking.

5. Anything you could have just checked Snopes.com before posting

Privacy warnings, political diatribes… you name it. Before you share your outrage, make sure you have not gotten your panties in a twist over an imaginary injustice. I will be the one to rain on your pity parade. Not because I like being right (although it IS kind of awesome), but because I believe truth is important. You can get so distracted by made-up horrors that you don’t even see real hurts, true ways you could make a difference.

What makes your top 5 list?

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I like it with a little old-fashioned privacy, thanks

8 Oct

It’s apparently National Oversharing Month on Facebook.

So far, I’ve been informed my friends like “it” on the kitchen counter, on their back, in the front seat of the car, on the bedroom floor, in the entryway to their house, and tossed carelessly onto the coffee table.

And you know, good for them. I applaud your embracing of your sexuality. I question the need to share it with your co-workers, teenage children, Farmville neighbors, and Bible study group, but you know, own it, ladies.

I thought about joining in the fun, update my own status with “I like it with the bedroom TV turned on the Classic Sounds from the ’80s channel real loud so my child who is pretending to be asleep but really playing with her DSi doesn’t hear anything else she needs therapy for.”

But that would be OVERSHARING. And also, apparently this is not some feminist “I like sex and I don’t care who knows it” statement. Apparently, these women are really talking about where they keep their purses (wink, wink). Not the “it” you were thinking, you filthy pervert.

And, of course, they’re doing it for a good cause: to raise breast cancer awareness.

Listen, breast cancer awareness is a worthy goal. About 207,090 new cases of breast cancer will be diagnosed in women in the United States this year. I’ve watched it claim lives, devastate families, leave even its survivors scarred and wondering “what if?”

What if they didn’t get it all? What if it comes back? What if the cancer’s still there?

But I  don’t get the appeal of promoting awareness with a sexual innuendo as your Facebook status. Last year about this time, a Facebook meme about “what color is your bra?” made the rounds. Again, for breast cancer awareness.

I just have to ask, what is it about breast cancer that makes us think we should join in on these “hee, hee! I made you think about sex! And boobies!” internet memes?

I don’t see the prostate cancer awareness folks starting a “mine is X inches long” trend, then saying “Oh, we’re talking about Subway sandwiches! And prostate cancer awareness.”

The heart disease folks aren’t going around posting “I like to beat it…” updates.

But apparently, we’ve decided the best way to raise awareness about breast cancer is to talk about boobies and sex —  with a thousand “that’s what she said”-style jokes as Facebook statuses.

Sorry, I absolutely don’t get how that’s supposed to help.

Here in San Antonio, we have an incredible organization called WINGS that provides mammograms and breast cancer treatment and support to women who can’t afford it. Want to make a real impact?

Skip the status update about your purse, open it up, and make a donation instead.

Texas Wings

5 Reasons I’m Not a Fan of Your Business on Facebook

29 Mar

1. I’m not a customer.

Don’t get your feelings hurt. Maybe it’s because I just don’t need your services. Maybe you’re a very nice independent insurance agent and my husband already works for the best insurance company in the world. (Not a paid endorsement.) Maybe you sell fertility vitamins and I would gouge out my eyes with a rusty nail before I would try to get pregnant. Maybe you’re hawking high-calorie shakes geared towards helping people bulk up and, seriously? DO I EVEN NEED TO EXPLAIN WHY I’M NOT SIGNING UP?

Of course, it could also be that I’m not a customer because I had a bad experience, like another company better, or think you’re in an industry responsible for eroding the America I know and love.

Either way, I’m not going to fan your page. Because first, I don’t volunteer to get marketing messages from a company I don’t use. And second, becoming your “fan” is a subtle endorsement. And I don’t endorse things I don’t use just to be polite.

2. You’re a tool.

Even if I do like your business, if when I look at your page, you are posting nothing but specials and advertisements, and not really interacting with customers, I’m not becoming a fan. Social media is soft-sell and relationship-based. I don’t want to be looking through my Facebook news feed and see advertisement after advertisement for buy one, get one free widget sales.

3. You’re A No-Show

On the other hand, if I go look at your “fan page” and you haven’t posted anything or responded to any questions from customers, I’m not becoming a fan, either. Don’t get a Facebook page just because someone said you should and then ignore it.

Worst example I’ve ever seen of this? Chrysler. They’ve gone in and cleaned up their fan page, but for a while, it was nothing but angry customers wanting answers about problems with their cars and getting no response. You really don’t want to put up a page where all that’s happening is people talking about how bad you suck. (Which, Chrysler? You pretty much do. But that’s a story for another post).

4. You have posting diarrhea.

I recently “de-fanned” a business because while the owner was at a conference, he went on a rampage and posted several dozen messages in a row, mostly tagging people in videos that had been uploaded in a batch. Your business is an invited guest to my social stream on Facebook. When I log on and see an entire page of your updates bumping everyone else off my page, you are off the guest list. If you would not send your whole business email contact list 28 messages in a row without taking a breath, don’t do it on Facebook.

(On a related note, don’t mindlessly link your Facebook and Twitter accounts so you post every single tweet as a status update. Some updates do double-duty, but when I see a status full of “@” names and hasthtags, I know you’re not paying attention to details, and that makes me wary as a customer.)

5. You can’t take a hint.

If you have invited me to become a fan of your business on Facebook more than three times and I’ve hit “ignore,” STOP ASKING ME. I didn’t “somehow miss your invitation,” I. Am. Ignoring. It. If we have a tenuous social connection and I accepted a personal friend request to be nice, don’t keep pimping your business to me, unless you also want me to sever the personal connection, too.

Got reasons of your own? Add them in the comments. And if you decide the best way to respond is to provide a link to your Facebook Fan Page, see reason #2.

Dos and Don’ts for Job Searchers on Social Media

29 Jan

So, I have a lot of friends who are way smarter and more accomplished than I am, including my friend Donna Tuttle, who blogs here, and also has a real job here, and also does so much to bring together a community using social media that honestly? It makes my head spin.

The other day, she asked me to make a video she could use in a presentation to college-age women in communication at Texas State University about the dos and don’ts of using social networking like Twitter and Facebook when you’re looking for a job.

I hate being on video. But I love Donna. Continue reading

Putting the Anti-Social in Social Media

16 Jul

I got some lovely feedback on my last post about Facebook quizzes. And by lovely, I mean, “a few people suggesting I was bitter Facebook hater in need of marital relations.” And that is simply not true.

I love Facebook. 

I am not particularly discriminating about who I accept “friend” requests from, either. I play Mafia Wars, and sometimes, after I kill someone, they will send me a request that says “please stop kicking my ass and let me be your friend.” I find that irresistible. I have only declined a couple of times, and my litmus test is pretty simple. If you are pointing an actual gun at me in your profile picture, and share a name with a presidential assassin, we are not going to be friends. Move on, nothing to see here.

Everyone else is pretty much golden. Used to work with you? Check. Went to school together? Awesome. Have friends in common? Welcome! We dated once?  Sure, as long as you haven’t aged better than I have.  My mom? Uh… sure.

But this accepting all applicants policy *can* get the Facebook stream pretty crowded. And sometimes, it becomes embarrassing. Like if you’re friends with your boss and a crazy friend tags pictures of you partying on a sick day. Or you friend a Mafia Wars player with a potty mouth who starts dropping the F-bomb in the same comment stream as your mom.

And that, my friends, is why you need some filters. You can be friends with both potty-mouth and your mom. Your boss and your Friday Night Karaoke club can co-exist without any awkward eye-averting on Monday mornings. You just need to compartmentalize.

And because I love you, I’m going to show you how.

First, let’s talk lists.

facebookgroups

This is a look at my Facebook screen. See down the left-hand side there?  I have the main news feed, then a series of categories… BFFs, Social Media SA, TV Peeps, Mafia Wars, High School, and of course, Recently Paroled. Most of my contacts are organized in these groups. 

It’s great for three reasons: First, if I just want to see the status reports from one group, like my friends from High School, I highlight the list, and all I get are their updates.

Second, if I need to tell everyone in a group something, I can send one FB message to a group all at once. For instance, if you got a new job, you could tell everyone you used to work with “ha ha, suck it!” if you wanted to. Or, if you were trying to get a new job, you could tell them all, “Hey, looking for work. So if someone calls about me, I was awesome to work with, right? RIGHT?”

And finally, you can set limits on what a particular group of people can and cannot see, and can and cannot and post to your Facebook page. Let’s demonstrate.

First, you’ll create a list, like mine titled “recently paroled.” If you look at the picture above, you just click on word “create” at the bottom of the left-hand column.

Then, add people to that list. 

 addfriend

You do this by highlighting the name of a list, clicking on it to edit, and then, adding people from your friends. Here, I’ve searched for my friends named “Sean.” One is a wholesome, trustworthy individual, whose name I have cleverly blurred out.

The other is Sean Wood. We are going to add him to the “Recently Paroled” list. To do that, just click and you’ll get a little blue box around the person’s name.

You can add a whole bunch of people at once, but I am only worried about Sean. So we’ll move on.

Once you have your list created and friends added, you can set new permissions for that list.

First, get into your settings Menu. It’s on your home page — looks like this.

settings

Choose the option on the drop-down menu that says “Privacy Settings,” and from that, choose “Profile.” Then, you’ll see a whole bunch of settings, like who can see your status, who can tag pictures of you, who can comment on your page, who can call your mother to tell her you dropped the f-bomb in your blog, etc.

Go to one of those settings like “Who can post comments,” and select “customize.” You will get a box that looks like this.

custom box

 Then, you can pick and choose who sees what. Don’t want recently paroled friends to see when you’re going on vacation? Pop their names, or the name of a list in the “Except these people” list. You can similarly limit who can tag pictures of you, who can comment on your wall, etc. They can still be your friends, they will just think you don’t update or post pictures. Keep the peace *and* keep your privacy. Or your job.

You’re welcome.

P.S. Also, Sean Wood is really an upstanding member of the community and really, not recently paroled. He left that past behind at the Star-Telegram in Fort Worth. The only list I really have him on is “Facebook Friends with a great sense of humor.” I hope.

Dear Facebook Dude Celebrating “Nekkid Thursday”

17 Apr

So, when you sent me the “friend request” a couple of weeks ago,  I was a little startled, since you know, I don’t know you?

But I checked out the profile, you had a sweet profile picture with your lovely wife, your status said you were thanking God for a beautiful day, you listed your religious affiliation as Pentecostal Christian, and you were a fan of “24” and Sarah Palin.

And you know, I also thank God for beautiful days. Although he is not in my profile picture, I have a lovely husband. I love Jesus.

And I love “24.”

jackbauer

Oh, Hello, Jack. How did you get in this post?

*Ahem* Where was I?

Oh yes, and Sarah Palin. I was willing to be open-minded about Sarah Palin. Although, I will say, EVERY FREAKING TIME a random man tries to pick me up on Facebook, they are ALWAYS fans of Sarah Palin. This concerns me a little. Since I have some significant differences with the esteemed Governor of Alaska. 

I do not say “you betcha.” I can name more than one Supreme Court case. I named my children while sober.

But apparently, we attract the same demographic. So watch out. I may run in 2012. I’m starting an exploratory committee.

But Facebook man, this is not about me, this is about you. As I say, I was willing to assume the best.

You posted 100+ pictures of your wedding. I commented on the lovely ceremony.

Then yesterday morning, the little Facebook chat window popped up.

“Hi!”

“Hi, yourself! Great wedding pics!”

“Thanks! I like your pictures, too. You have mesmerizing eyes.”

RED FLAG #1. I attempt deflection.

“Thanks, that’s sweet. How’s the paramedic business?” *don’tbeafreak, don’tbeafreak *

“It’s ok, but I’d rather be home laying around nekkid. LOL. Maybe I’d take a few pictures.”

*ohhellyouareafreak*

“I have some on my phone right now — I like to show my spunky side.”

“…and from your profile pictures, it looks like you’re pretty hooteriffic.”

“Uh, I’m blocking you now.”

So to review, Facebook guy. Apparently, “Pentecostal Christian” in this particular case was code for “I like to handle my snake a lot.”

Also, I am not interested in seeing your “spunky side.” Also, ewwwwwwwww.

And I don’t know about in North Carolina, but I do not generally see “hooterrific” as a persuasive compliment. Also, my Facebook pictures are all head and shoulders shots. There are no hooters in evidence. 

Although yes, actually they are fairly awesome. Not that you will ever know, honey. I do not celebrate Nekkid Thursday. Not publicly.

Finally, nekkid dude. I am not sure if you noticed as you were scanning my profile pictures looking for signs of hooterrificness, but I do write a blog.

If for some reason you can’t take a hint and contact me again, I *am* going to tell you to go ahead and send those pictures. Then, with some strategic blocking that I am sure will be small, I will happily share them with the rest of the internet. You’re welcome.

Sincerely,

So Not Interested in Your Spunky Side

Dear Saint Patrick

17 Mar

Aren’t you proud? In honor of the holiday, my Facebook Mafia has a new weapon.

beer1
Yes, among our weapons to take down Chrissy Blue Eyes, 2 Gold Desert Eagles, 9 chain guns and a “Pint of Green Beer.”
We were *totally* going to fight with corned beef, but someone ate it all at the wake for Don Sophia.
Happy Saint Patrick’s Day.
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