Someday, you are going to hear shattering glass and a primal scream, followed by the sound of my MacBook Pro shattering on the back patio — all because I just can’t take the Facebook stupid anymore.
Oh no, it’s not you. You’re fine. It’s those other people.
The ones who post things like this:
1. Repost this picture and get a free MacBook Pro, iPad, Pair of Tickets on Southwest, Boob job, date with Justin Bieber… etc.
Listen up. No one is giving you cool stuff for posting crap on Facebook. That is not how the world works. If you want a MacBook Pro, iPad, or cool vacation, GET A JOB. If you already have a job and you can’t afford that stuff, get another job. Or, eat macaroni and cheese and stop going to Starbucks. But stop announcing your lack of a work ethic to your friends by incessantly posting stupid things to our news feeds.
2. Giant pictures of things you want to win.
For heaven’s sake, stop entering that damn contest for free boots that makes my Facebook feed look like a 4-H Convention. You don’t need free boots, you need someone wearing a pointy pair to give you a swift kick in the butt for cluttering up everyone’s Facebook feed.
Ditto for that stupid “Women Get it Free,” page. You do not need 100 free laundry soap samples. Go watch “Hoarders” until the feeling passes.
3. Sappy Quotes Attributed to Famous People Who Never Said Them.
My favorite of these (and by “favorite,” I mean “the one I hate the most.”) that’s going around is a speech supposedly by Bill Cosby called “I’m Tired,” where he blames all the problems of the world on African Americans, lazy poor people, drug addicts, Muslims and global warming activists.
Let’s be honest: the reason white people like to post it is because they can pretend it’s not because “Oh, a famous black person said it, not me. So I cannot possibly be racist for posting this.” But Bill Cosby didn’t give the speech. And it is, in fact, racist.
4. Any of the “Like” this picture if you want to save of baby kittens, hate cancer or love Jesus.
Jesus doesn’t need a million likes on Facebook. You save baby kittens by getting your cat fixed. And cancer sucks in a million ways, but all the Facebook clicks in the world don’t change that. They will not bring back precious lives lost, or speed up a cure. Offer to drive a friend to chemo, donate real money. Care instead of clicking.
5. Anything you could have just checked Snopes.com before posting
Privacy warnings, political diatribes… you name it. Before you share your outrage, make sure you have not gotten your panties in a twist over an imaginary injustice. I will be the one to rain on your pity parade. Not because I like being right (although it IS kind of awesome), but because I believe truth is important. You can get so distracted by made-up horrors that you don’t even see real hurts, true ways you could make a difference.
What makes your top 5 list?