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5 Facebook Posts That Make Me Stabby

18 Feb

Someday, you are going to hear shattering glass and a primal scream, followed by the sound of my MacBook Pro shattering on the back patio — all because I just can’t take the Facebook stupid anymore.


Oh no, it’s not you. You’re fine. It’s those other people.

The ones who post things like this:

1. Repost this picture and get a free MacBook Pro, iPad, Pair of Tickets on Southwest, Boob job, date with Justin Bieber… etc.

Listen up. No one is giving you cool stuff for posting crap on Facebook. That is not how the world works. If you want a MacBook Pro, iPad, or cool vacation,  GET A JOB. If you already have a job and you can’t afford that stuff, get another job. Or, eat macaroni and cheese and stop going to Starbucks. But stop announcing your lack of a work ethic to your friends by incessantly posting stupid things to our news feeds.

2. Giant pictures of things you want to win.

For heaven’s sake, stop entering that damn contest for free boots that makes my Facebook feed look like a 4-H Convention. You don’t need free boots, you need someone wearing a pointy pair to give you a swift kick in the butt for cluttering up everyone’s Facebook feed.

Ditto for that stupid “Women Get it Free,” page. You do not need 100 free laundry soap samples. Go watch “Hoarders” until the feeling passes.

3. Sappy Quotes Attributed to Famous People Who Never Said Them.

My favorite of these (and by “favorite,” I mean “the one I hate the most.”) that’s going around is a speech supposedly by Bill Cosby called “I’m Tired,” where he blames all the problems of the world on African Americans, lazy poor people, drug addicts, Muslims and global warming activists.

Let’s be honest: the reason white people like to post it is because they can pretend it’s not because “Oh, a famous black person said it, not me. So I cannot possibly be racist for posting this.” But Bill Cosby didn’t give the speech. And it is, in fact, racist.

4. Any of the “Like” this picture if you want to save of baby kittens, hate cancer or love Jesus.

Jesus doesn’t need a million likes on Facebook. You save baby kittens by getting your cat fixed. And cancer sucks in a million ways,  but all the Facebook clicks in the world don’t change that. They will not bring back precious lives lost, or speed up a cure. Offer to drive a friend to chemo, donate real money. Care instead of clicking.

5. Anything you could have just checked before posting

Privacy warnings, political diatribes… you name it. Before you share your outrage, make sure you have not gotten your panties in a twist over an imaginary injustice. I will be the one to rain on your pity parade. Not because I like being right (although it IS kind of awesome), but because I believe truth is important. You can get so distracted by made-up horrors that you don’t even see real hurts, true ways you could make a difference.

What makes your top 5 list?

Facebook Privacy Warning

5 Jun

Irony defined, 2012: When the same Facebook friends who are posting details of everything from their dog’s last BM to the state of their toe jam suddenly start frantically posting about FACEBOOK IS TRYING TO STEAL YOUR PRIVACY AND YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL!!!

That is completely true, of course. Zuckerberg is in fact, the devil. He was going to play him in the Social Network, but Jesse Eisenburg beat him in a fiddle contest to win the role.

Anyway, the latest Facebook trend is to post a “PRIVACY NOTICE” as your status, because apparently then that will protect all the personal information you are recklessly sharing with the internet.

Y’all, come on. Go to Snopes before you cut and paste. Look, right here, they explain why it doesn’t stop Satan/Zuckerberg/The Federal Government/Aliens from stealing your soul privacy.

If you want to cut-and-paste a status, at least make it a good one. Here, borrow mine:


Because if these things work, wouldn’t you rather have a unicorn and Shakespeare-citing puppy than your privacy?

The Facebook Beatitudes

4 May

1. Blessed are they who do not boast about every new cow they acquire on Farmville, or every pair of shoes they got in Sorority World, for they shall not annoy their friends.

2. Blessed are they who do not click on indiscriminate video links, for they shall not be exposed as lustful perverts when the video turns out to be a virus and now everyone knows they wanted to see Katy Perry in her underthings, or Osama Bin Laden with a bullet through his head.

3. Blessed are they who avoid vaguebooking, for they shall not make their friends wonder “Is he talking about me?”

4. Blessed are they who remember their friends are not all of the same opinion when they post political diatribes, for they shall not cause rolling of eyes and gnashing of teeth.

5. Blessed are they who only tag flattering pictures of their friends, for they shall be invited to future parties.

6. Blessed are they who do not use cell phone pictures taken in the bathroom mirror for their profile, for they shall not look desperate for attention.

7. Blessed are they who remember they friended their boss before they update their status while on the clock, for they shall remain employed.

8. Blessed are those who resist the urge to stalk their ex’s profiles, for they shall live in the present.

9. Blessed are you when your children rise up and say all manner of evil against you for insisting on having their Facebook password. Rejoice and be glad, for great is your reward when they do not run off with a 34-year-old drifter they met playing Mafia Wars. In the same way, you persecuted the parents before you for reading your diary.

22 Things You Need To Know

3 May

1. The acid-washed jeans you kept from high school don’t look good anymore.

2. Mullets are not coming back


3. Galileo was right, Ptolemy’s Theory is wrong.

4. Your life would be no different if the popular kid in 4th grade had invited you to his/her pool party.

5. Dungeons and Dragons was never cool.

6. You would not have been in Gryffindor because you would not have been admitted to Hogwarts. Ever.

7. We really landed on the moon.

8. It is not made of cheese.

9. Bigfoot is a tall guy in a costume.

10. Hitler is not secretly living in South America with a new identity.

11. Bristol Palin is not a star or a dancer.

12. No one likes Hugh Hefner for his personality.

13. You’re too old for tube tops this time around.

14. You really are going to use algebra after high school. All the time.

15. However, you won’t ever need to know what a gerund is.

16. No, “it” won’t actually make you go blind.

17. Cat’s don’t try to steal your breath. They can’t be bothered. Unless you ate tuna before bed.

18. Your dog’s tongue does not magically get sanitized between licking its butt and licking your face.

19. That is not Donald Trump’s real hair.

20. President Obama was really born in Hawaii.

21. Osama Bin Laden is really dead.

22. You don’t need to see the pictures and/or video. So stop clicking on those Facebook links. It’s a virus and you look like a moron.

The King of Pop vs. The Prince of Peace

19 Nov

Eight friends like Jesus. 14 Like Michael Jackson. Huh.

Actual screen capture from my Facebook page recommendations today.


I like it with a little old-fashioned privacy, thanks

8 Oct

It’s apparently National Oversharing Month on Facebook.

So far, I’ve been informed my friends like “it” on the kitchen counter, on their back, in the front seat of the car, on the bedroom floor, in the entryway to their house, and tossed carelessly onto the coffee table.

And you know, good for them. I applaud your embracing of your sexuality. I question the need to share it with your co-workers, teenage children, Farmville neighbors, and Bible study group, but you know, own it, ladies.

I thought about joining in the fun, update my own status with “I like it with the bedroom TV turned on the Classic Sounds from the ’80s channel real loud so my child who is pretending to be asleep but really playing with her DSi doesn’t hear anything else she needs therapy for.”

But that would be OVERSHARING. And also, apparently this is not some feminist “I like sex and I don’t care who knows it” statement. Apparently, these women are really talking about where they keep their purses (wink, wink). Not the “it” you were thinking, you filthy pervert.

And, of course, they’re doing it for a good cause: to raise breast cancer awareness.

Listen, breast cancer awareness is a worthy goal. About 207,090 new cases of breast cancer will be diagnosed in women in the United States this year. I’ve watched it claim lives, devastate families, leave even its survivors scarred and wondering “what if?”

What if they didn’t get it all? What if it comes back? What if the cancer’s still there?

But I  don’t get the appeal of promoting awareness with a sexual innuendo as your Facebook status. Last year about this time, a Facebook meme about “what color is your bra?” made the rounds. Again, for breast cancer awareness.

I just have to ask, what is it about breast cancer that makes us think we should join in on these “hee, hee! I made you think about sex! And boobies!” internet memes?

I don’t see the prostate cancer awareness folks starting a “mine is X inches long” trend, then saying “Oh, we’re talking about Subway sandwiches! And prostate cancer awareness.”

The heart disease folks aren’t going around posting “I like to beat it…” updates.

But apparently, we’ve decided the best way to raise awareness about breast cancer is to talk about boobies and sex —  with a thousand “that’s what she said”-style jokes as Facebook statuses.

Sorry, I absolutely don’t get how that’s supposed to help.

Here in San Antonio, we have an incredible organization called WINGS that provides mammograms and breast cancer treatment and support to women who can’t afford it. Want to make a real impact?

Skip the status update about your purse, open it up, and make a donation instead.

Texas Wings

5 Reasons I’m Not a Fan of Your Business on Facebook

29 Mar

1. I’m not a customer.

Don’t get your feelings hurt. Maybe it’s because I just don’t need your services. Maybe you’re a very nice independent insurance agent and my husband already works for the best insurance company in the world. (Not a paid endorsement.) Maybe you sell fertility vitamins and I would gouge out my eyes with a rusty nail before I would try to get pregnant. Maybe you’re hawking high-calorie shakes geared towards helping people bulk up and, seriously? DO I EVEN NEED TO EXPLAIN WHY I’M NOT SIGNING UP?

Of course, it could also be that I’m not a customer because I had a bad experience, like another company better, or think you’re in an industry responsible for eroding the America I know and love.

Either way, I’m not going to fan your page. Because first, I don’t volunteer to get marketing messages from a company I don’t use. And second, becoming your “fan” is a subtle endorsement. And I don’t endorse things I don’t use just to be polite.

2. You’re a tool.

Even if I do like your business, if when I look at your page, you are posting nothing but specials and advertisements, and not really interacting with customers, I’m not becoming a fan. Social media is soft-sell and relationship-based. I don’t want to be looking through my Facebook news feed and see advertisement after advertisement for buy one, get one free widget sales.

3. You’re A No-Show

On the other hand, if I go look at your “fan page” and you haven’t posted anything or responded to any questions from customers, I’m not becoming a fan, either. Don’t get a Facebook page just because someone said you should and then ignore it.

Worst example I’ve ever seen of this? Chrysler. They’ve gone in and cleaned up their fan page, but for a while, it was nothing but angry customers wanting answers about problems with their cars and getting no response. You really don’t want to put up a page where all that’s happening is people talking about how bad you suck. (Which, Chrysler? You pretty much do. But that’s a story for another post).

4. You have posting diarrhea.

I recently “de-fanned” a business because while the owner was at a conference, he went on a rampage and posted several dozen messages in a row, mostly tagging people in videos that had been uploaded in a batch. Your business is an invited guest to my social stream on Facebook. When I log on and see an entire page of your updates bumping everyone else off my page, you are off the guest list. If you would not send your whole business email contact list 28 messages in a row without taking a breath, don’t do it on Facebook.

(On a related note, don’t mindlessly link your Facebook and Twitter accounts so you post every single tweet as a status update. Some updates do double-duty, but when I see a status full of “@” names and hasthtags, I know you’re not paying attention to details, and that makes me wary as a customer.)

5. You can’t take a hint.

If you have invited me to become a fan of your business on Facebook more than three times and I’ve hit “ignore,” STOP ASKING ME. I didn’t “somehow miss your invitation,” I. Am. Ignoring. It. If we have a tenuous social connection and I accepted a personal friend request to be nice, don’t keep pimping your business to me, unless you also want me to sever the personal connection, too.

Got reasons of your own? Add them in the comments. And if you decide the best way to respond is to provide a link to your Facebook Fan Page, see reason #2.

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