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Shoe In… Or Shoe Out?

30 Sep
Yeah, whatever, I know I'm too old for these.

Yeah, whatever, I know I'm too old for these.

 

I have a little bit of a weakness for unexpected shoes. Tonight, saw these Ed Hardy shoes. Wanted these. Dismissed these as “age inappropriate.” Went back to visit them on the shelf again. Tweeted. Weighed opinions.

Like Nicole, who said “don’t make me call you a douchebaguette.”

Jennifer first advised that I look for Stuart Weitzmann instead, then said “those are so you.”

Another tweeting friend asked where I got them and would I care if she copied me.

And Bren helpfully informed me,  “You know there’s a whole song called “Eff Ed Hardy.”

Then I bought the shoes.

And now, because the audience participation is so much fun and I want to try a poll, why don’t you vote?

But guess what. Here’s what I’m figuring out about myself after 4 decades here. Regardless of your votes cast here today, I love the shoes. I will unapologetically wear the shoes. Be fine with that, or not. It’s cool either way.

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Purseology – Analyzing the Bag Lady

13 Sep

So, I asked my Twitter friends for a suggested blog topic because you know, I am realizing something about this “blogging every day” business. Y’all, I barely have one salient thought a week worthy of sharing with the Internet. Seriously. I am inflicting all kinds of unnecessary crap on you people.

I am going to have to blog every day in October, too, just so I can apologize for all the stupidity I’ve put out there in the name of disciplining myself to write.

ANYWAY.

My friend Janelle asked a crucial question, totally worthy of examination.

“Why do I keep all this crap in my purse?”

So I told her I would analyze it, but I needed a list.

Here is my preliminary conclusion: Janelle is harboring a secret fantasy involving Monty Hall.

montehall

Remember how on “Let’s Make a Deal” when he would walk around the freakish costumed audience and offer people $50 if they had an ace of spades card with an aspirin stuck to it? Janelle clearly wakes up every morning dreaming that she’ll roll over, open her eyes, and Monty will whisper “Come on, let’s see what’s behind curtain #1.”

Bless her heart.

On to the contents of her purse and what they mean:

1.  Tape measure – I think this is self-explanatory. Size matters to Janelle.

2.  100 business cards of people I don’t know Janelle has an overwhelming compulsion to be nice to people and pretend she cares. So she takes their business cards and says “Well, isn’t that nice.” Then she promptly forgets who they are.

3. Deposit slips, Wallet – These are totally normal purse objects. Except that Janelle’s deposit slips are to a Swiss bank account.

4.  $37  in change – This is evidence of a traumatic childhood incident where Janelle had to spend her 8th birthday at a toll booth because her mom couldn’t pay the toll. Either that, or Janelle has embarked on a revolutionary new weight-lifting program.

5.  Make up for two-week vacation just in case– Janelle is either overly concerned about hiding the ravages of time, or she is going to regular costume parties as Tammy Faye Bakker.

6. Perfume, deodorant – If Janelle has to go on the lam, she will still smell good.

7.  Brush – and her hair will look nice.

8. Pink pashmina in case I get cold in the 103 degree heat – and if someone stuffs her in a meat locker, she will survive.

9. Tide-To-Go pen– This indicates Janelle is on the verge of murdering someone at all times and wants to make sure she can get the blood stains out of her pink pashmina.

10. Travel size stapler – This is in case someone annoys Janelle and she needs to give them a little warning to behave. Also, someone encased her regular stapler in Jello once so she always carries one with her.

11.  Memo pad, Post it Notes – Janelle likes to have a variety of ways to leave people threats about what will happen if they don’t shape up.

12.  Highlighter, pens, my favorite Papermate pencil  – She also likes to have a variety of writing utensils to keep her threats colorful. And “her favorite Papermate pencil” has poison on the tip in case she needs to stab someone.

13. Cell phone charger – this might be normal, except Janelle never mentioned a cell phone. So she either stole this, or has the cord as a possible murder weapon.

14.  Two different kinds of gum: Trident Citrus and Orbit Bubble Mint Janelle likes to vary the ways she disguises her breath after a 3-martini lunch.

15. Mentos – If she needs to create a distraction, Janelle can drop these in people’s diet Pepsi and run away.

16. Matches– When the Tide-to-Go Pen doesn’t work, burn the evidence.

17.  Sunglasses – Getaway disguise.

18. Umbrella — well, duh. It’s been raining a lot lately.

And then, Janelle added this: ” and that’s not my big purse.” Which of course, given the contents of her other purse, probably has a body in it.

5 Random Fashion Observations

20 Aug

Because, tonight, Project Runway is back. Viva Tim Gunn.

1. Some mornings, I miss my wardrobe staple of Chico’s stretchy black Traveler’s pants. Then I remember that the same size fits me even if I gain 40 pounds, and I resist any urge to go buy another pair.

2. People who have enough time and emotional energy to be outraged by the first lady wearing shorts on a visit to the Grand Canyon need to get a life. Seriously. I read some of the hyperventilating, pearl-clutching critiques before I saw the pictures and expected to see her booty hanging out the back and a too-short tank top revealing a belly-button piercing.

3.  Baby Phat, I really do not think you need to make your acid-washed denim miniskirt available “now in sizes up to 24.” I do not say this with a sneer of a size 2.  I myself am rather amply blessed in the figure department. But my sisters, dress the body you have, not the one you wish you had.

4. Seriously, what is up with these boots? Zappos offers them up as a hot new look. For who? Tundra gladiators who need the formality of a high heel?

ugly

5. However, after a summer with more than FIFTY freaking days over 100 degrees? If it meant I could wake up with it being 70 degrees tomorrow? I would wear the boots with the Baby Phat skirt and parade around the River Walk. Seriously.

Dear Hanes

30 May

Dear Hanes:

Look, the “inspector number 27” tags in the underwear were kind of endearing. But now, I see they are accompanied by a second sticker that says “Team 4.”

Really? REALLY? It takes a whole team of inspectors to see if my underwear are up to your rigorous quality control standards?

What, are they too big for one inspector? Is that a fat joke? I am working on it, jerks. We can’t all be built like Michael Jordan.

Oh and does that mean a whole team of people have had their possibly germy, grubby hands all over my undergarments? I feel violated. It takes a village to raise a child, Hanes. It does not take a team to inspect underpants. Now your slogan about “Wait ’til we get our Hanes on you” is creeping me the hell out.

And who are these inspectors? Do you screen them for possible fetishes? Check them against the National Underwear Molester database? This “Team 4” sticker has opened up a whole new panty panic paranoia for me.

Where’s the bleach?

Fabulous Friday aka I Don’t Have a Topic

22 May

First, congratulations to Ann H., commenter #22, who will be getting lip plumper in the mail shortly.

Instead of my children drawing from a hat, Ann was selected using a random number generator suggested by my friend Jessi. Who probably planned to program it so SHE would get the lip gloss, but her evil plan failed.

This scientific awesomeness brought to you by random.org.
This scientific awesomeness brought to you by random.org.

See, there is the proof of Ann’s winning ways.  Go Ann. Please be sure to sign the waiver before putting on the lip plumper. Also, since the mommy blogosphere is all atwitter about paid posts, paid reviews, product placement, etc., let me clarify that Ulta neither gave me this lip gloss *nor* paid me to write that it made me scream like a waterboarded wallaby.

In fact, no one pays me for the awesomeness that is this blog. Clearly that is wrong, all wrong. Please use the information on the contact page if you would like to help right this awful injustice.

In other news, while my posting has been sparse here this week, I have weighed in at the San Antonio Express-News website at  my blog there. I have been discussing Michael Vick’s return to football and the practice of a local realtor of putting flags up in all the yards in the neighborhood.

One of those situations truly annoys me, and one of those situations is just fine with me. Do I weigh in on the side of the brutal dog-fighting NFL player, or the patriotic home seller? The answer may amaze and infuriate you. Please rush over to tell me of my amazing stupidity at your earliest convenience.
Why? Because everyone else is being so darn polite about it, and I need some psycho commenters so I have something to write about on slow days.
Oh wait, you would like a link to this foolishness?  Here you go.
And now, because I want to share even though it’s not National Carrot Day, I present the wonderful singing carrots. No reason.
You’re welcome.

Recession Lip Plumpers

18 May

First, I’m not bi-polar, I’m just complicated. Expect the blog to reflect as such while I deal with the whole beloved dog + incurable cancer = basket case equation. Your kind comments really blow me away, and I thank you. The forecast is for a stiff upper lip with periodic bouts of silliness.

Speaking of lips, I have a complex about mine

I blame two three people for this. First, the “makeup artist” at the Dillard’s Estee Lauder counter in Abilene, Texas who told me “your lips are so unusual. The top one is a little bigger than the bottom one.”

First of all, lady, you were a working at the Dillard’s in Abilene. I’m really not sure why I gave you this mantle of cosmetic authority, being that the Abilene Dillard’s is not, in retrospect, the mecca for budding makeup artists. No offense to Abilene, a lovely city where I was in fact, in the Junior League.

I know, y’all. Let that sink in.

However, makeup lady, because of your amazed pronouncement about my freakishly malformed lips, I have spent decades lining my lower lip just outside the lip line and putting a dab of shiny gloss right in the middle to trick the eye. Thank you very much.

Also in college, a classmate who is now an esteemed and respected professor at my Alma Mater, but who then went by the alias “Vick Velvet,” asked my fiance “what’s it like kissing those little chicken lips?” Ever since, I have been searching for the perfect lip-plumping lip gloss because I was scarred for life. The pain has outlasted the student loans, even.

By the way,  Mr. Velvet. My Dyson doesn’t have Angelina Jolie lips either. But it works just fine.

Now, I said three people were responsible for my lip paranoia. Person three would be my husband, who was then the fiance who was clueless enough to tell me about the chicken lips comment. But guess what? He is not reading this paragraph. Because he died when he read the vacuum sentence.

His last words were “I can’t believe you went there on the interne…”

Now that you understand the deep psychological scarring, you’ll understand why I eagerly try each and every brand of lip plumper I can get my hands on. Sure, I could go the collagen route. But needles in the mouth? No. Thank. You.

This weekend, I found myself in Ulta, admiring their two-for-one sale that included the Ultimate Pout Lip Plumper.  And of course, admiring = buying.

And because I like to share, I will utilize my sparkly new camera/fancy tripod/wrinkly pillowcase product showcase set up and show the pretty lip glosses to you.

Ulta Lip Plumper

See? So pretty. I tried the paler one called “Glisten.” Which is appropriate, because that is what my eyes started doing about 15 seconds in as the “plumping action” started working. Then I tried to rub it off my mouth and got some in a paper cut on my index finger, and then someone called 9-1-1 thinking a wallaby was being waterboarded in our bathroom.

However, I lived, and would like to report that the gloss sure does plump.

I know it’s a recession, though, and the Ultimate Pout Lip Plumper is $12.50. So I am now going to offer you 5 cheaper ways to get the same searing effect and sexy pout.

1) Go to the zoo and french kiss an anteater.

2)  Sit on the third base line and get hit in the mouth by a foul ball.

3) Stick your mouth into a nest of angry bees.

4) Suck off a habanero pepper.

5) Leave a comment and a valid email, and maybe you will win the other unopened lip gloss, a pretty coral shade called “Bella.” Because I know times are tough, and I care.  Also, I am not putting that stuff on my mouth again.

I would send you the “Glisten,” tube too, but it has wallaby spit on it and there are interstate regulations about that.

————————-

For real, I will send the unopened lip gloss to a commenter chosen at random by putting the comment numbers in a hat or something and making my kids draw. If you want it, be sure to leave a real email so I can get your address. Also, get some therapy — because seriously, that stuff HURTS. I’ll draw on Friday.

Sarah Jessica, It’s So Exciting!!!

20 Feb

You are going to be in a “Chronicles of Narnia” sitcom spin-off, aren’t you! Squeeeeeeeal!

Sarah Jessica Parker

It’s a big leap from Carrie Bradshaw to  Mrs. Tumnus, the wife of the faun who first meets Lucy on her trip through the wardrobe, I know. But you are a great actress, you’re going to be fabulous! I can’t wait to see the hi-jinks!

Mr. Tumnus

Plus, you already have the shoes.

camel-boots

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