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‘Tis the Season to be Grumpy

13 Dec

Come on, sing along with me. You know you want to.

On the first song of the concert, some morons gave to me — a child playing on his PSP.

For the second song of the concert, idiots gave to me. Two too-loud whispers and a child playing on his PSP. Continue reading

Commentary

8 Nov

First, my opinion on the results of our recent election.

And now, my reaction to Wade Phillips remaining the coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Continue reading

I like it with a little old-fashioned privacy, thanks

8 Oct

It’s apparently National Oversharing Month on Facebook.

So far, I’ve been informed my friends like “it” on the kitchen counter, on their back, in the front seat of the car, on the bedroom floor, in the entryway to their house, and tossed carelessly onto the coffee table.

And you know, good for them. I applaud your embracing of your sexuality. I question the need to share it with your co-workers, teenage children, Farmville neighbors, and Bible study group, but you know, own it, ladies.

I thought about joining in the fun, update my own status with “I like it with the bedroom TV turned on the Classic Sounds from the ’80s channel real loud so my child who is pretending to be asleep but really playing with her DSi doesn’t hear anything else she needs therapy for.”

But that would be OVERSHARING. And also, apparently this is not some feminist “I like sex and I don’t care who knows it” statement. Apparently, these women are really talking about where they keep their purses (wink, wink). Not the “it” you were thinking, you filthy pervert.

And, of course, they’re doing it for a good cause: to raise breast cancer awareness.

Listen, breast cancer awareness is a worthy goal. About 207,090 new cases of breast cancer will be diagnosed in women in the United States this year. I’ve watched it claim lives, devastate families, leave even its survivors scarred and wondering “what if?”

What if they didn’t get it all? What if it comes back? What if the cancer’s still there?

But I  don’t get the appeal of promoting awareness with a sexual innuendo as your Facebook status. Last year about this time, a Facebook meme about “what color is your bra?” made the rounds. Again, for breast cancer awareness.

I just have to ask, what is it about breast cancer that makes us think we should join in on these “hee, hee! I made you think about sex! And boobies!” internet memes?

I don’t see the prostate cancer awareness folks starting a “mine is X inches long” trend, then saying “Oh, we’re talking about Subway sandwiches! And prostate cancer awareness.”

The heart disease folks aren’t going around posting “I like to beat it…” updates.

But apparently, we’ve decided the best way to raise awareness about breast cancer is to talk about boobies and sex —  with a thousand “that’s what she said”-style jokes as Facebook statuses.

Sorry, I absolutely don’t get how that’s supposed to help.

Here in San Antonio, we have an incredible organization called WINGS that provides mammograms and breast cancer treatment and support to women who can’t afford it. Want to make a real impact?

Skip the status update about your purse, open it up, and make a donation instead.

Texas Wings

3 Mini-Rants

13 Jul

1. That lane to the far left? It’s called a “passing lane.” Not a “park your butt there going 50 miles an hour while you talk on your phone and drink Starbucks lane.” Some of us have places to go, people to see, things to do. Also? Kids in the back seat we are TRYING NOT TO SWEAR IN FRONT OF.

2. If you have a “sports” talk show where you routinely discuss whether or not you’d “hit it” with various female reporters, LPGA players, Tiger Wood’s mistresses, etc? And said show is routinely sponsored by strip clubs and adult video stores? You do NOT get to go on a self-righteous tirade about what misogynist jerk Mel Gibson is.

Yeah, he is.

So are you. Pot, meet kettle. People who live in glass sexist pig pens shouldn’t throw stones.

3.  When lots of people are excited and talking about something and sharing a joint experience that unites them as a global community, like say World Cup Soccer? Even if that’s not your thing, it doesn’t make you cool or superior to spend all your time posting on Facebook or Twitter or whatever about how much you don’t care about that thing. It makes you seem like a petulant toddler in the stage of saying “No!” to everything. Just talk about something else. Join another conversation. You don’t have to like what everyone else likes. But if it’s a harmless, happy thing? Let them like it.

All done now. Your turn.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

15 Jun

This isn’t easy to say. Maybe the internet isn’t the place for it.

But I don’t think this relationship is going to last.

I know, I’m as shocked as you are. We’ve been together for a long time, our families are friends. And when we first met, you were a faithful friend, there anytime I needed to pick up the phone. Night or day, didn’t matter. You were there.

Continue reading

Away From the Manger

7 Dec

I have a conflicted relationship with Christmas.   

I love the idea of it all, the decorations and lights, caroling and cocoa, candlelight services and matching plaid pajamas. But the reality of pulling it all off leaves me overwhelmed. At my core, I am a type B person with type A expectations.   

And then, there’s my fingernails-on-the-chalkboard-level annoyance with one of the great travesties of the season.   

Kneeling Santa.   

I know you’ve seen it.   

There’s a book.   

Bald Santa says "Hats Off for Baby Jesus!"

Ornaments by the zillion.   

"Please, Baby Jesus, heal me from the metal hook in my head."

Nativity Scenes.   

"Dude, thank goodness you're here. The wise men's gifts sucked. Got a 'Tickle Me Elmo' in that bag?"

And of course, the holiest of holies. Yard art. 

"Uh, Baby Jesus, your diaper is glowing. I'm going to go find Mary."

Look, I get the thought behind Kneeling Santa: that the trappings and gifts we spend so much time on are not at the heart of the season. But then — “Oh the irony!” We package up that anti-commercial message in a clever little package and make MILLIONS selling tacky tchotchkes.   

Search “Kneeling Santa” and you get hundreds of thousands of matches, many of them all yours for the low, low price of $19.99. Act now and at Easter, we’ll ship you a limited edition ornament of the Easter Bunny crying at the foot of the cross.   

Just no, okay?   

Santa didn’t come to the manager on his sled. Rudolph’s red nose didn’t illuminate the angels as they appeared to the shepherds. There were no stockings hung in the stable. Frosty didn’t tip his top hat to the King of Kings. The Grinch brought no Roast Beast.   

That night in Bethlehem is already the ultimate mix of holy and human, when God became flesh and dwelt among us. You don’t need to shove Santa in with the Savior and hang Christmas lights on the manger to make it more compelling.   

But, I must admit, that motion-activated recording of  “Oh Come, Let Us Adore Him?”   

That’s a nice touch.

Dear “Real Simple” Editors

14 Sep

Oh, for heaven’s sake.

Real Simple

You lure me in every time, what with your “Real Simple” masthead, and the promise of a month’s worth of easy dinners and pull-out shopping lists. Pull-out shopping lists, for crying out loud! How could things go wrong?

But they always go wrong, don’t they, “Real Simple?” You flirt from the checkout line, claiming you’re “easy.” But when I get home? Those formerly “easy” dinners just tease me with their talk of seared lamb chops with minted spaghetti squash and shrimp pot pie with fennel.

I can see my children now, being served shrimp and fennel pie. You want it to be “Real Simple?” Build a month’s menu around the economy bag of chicken nuggets from Costco.

And then, as if the dinner menus don’t make me feel like enough of a domestic dingbat, you add this to the cover.

realsimple

THE HELL? You have a cover article on “21 Real-life Laundry Strategies.”

You guys, NO ONE needs an article detailing 21 laundry strategies. That is not Real Simple. That is Real Anal. Even Martha Stewart doesn’t have 21 laundry strategies. 

I don’t even know what a “laundry strategy” is. Here’s my suggestion: When you run out of clothes and find your children wearing formal wear or bathing suits to school, it is time to do the laundry.

Ta Da!

Real Simple.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go read the article on “10 Ways to Reduce Stress.” Because your “21 Laundry Strategies” have me in well, a lather.

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