Archive | celebrities RSS feed for this section

22 Things You Need To Know

3 May

1. The acid-washed jeans you kept from high school don’t look good anymore.

2. Mullets are not coming back


3. Galileo was right, Ptolemy’s Theory is wrong.

4. Your life would be no different if the popular kid in 4th grade had invited you to his/her pool party.

5. Dungeons and Dragons was never cool.

6. You would not have been in Gryffindor because you would not have been admitted to Hogwarts. Ever.

7. We really landed on the moon.

8. It is not made of cheese.

9. Bigfoot is a tall guy in a costume.

10. Hitler is not secretly living in South America with a new identity.

11. Bristol Palin is not a star or a dancer.

12. No one likes Hugh Hefner for his personality.

13. You’re too old for tube tops this time around.

14. You really are going to use algebra after high school. All the time.

15. However, you won’t ever need to know what a gerund is.

16. No, “it” won’t actually make you go blind.

17. Cat’s don’t try to steal your breath. They can’t be bothered. Unless you ate tuna before bed.

18. Your dog’s tongue does not magically get sanitized between licking its butt and licking your face.

19. That is not Donald Trump’s real hair.

20. President Obama was really born in Hawaii.

21. Osama Bin Laden is really dead.

22. You don’t need to see the pictures and/or video. So stop clicking on those Facebook links. It’s a virus and you look like a moron.

Oscar Night at The Glendale Galleria

9 Mar

This post brought to you by lots of cold meds. Lots and lots of cold meds.

Location: Glendale Galleria
Time: 4:58 p.m., March 7, 2010

The mall’s usually open until 7 on Sundays, but for the Oscars, they’re closing down shop early. But, as the night guard prepares to lock the doors at the entrance between Target and JC Penney, he’s knocked to the ground as a frantic gun-wielding Charlize Theron pushes into the mall.

“No!” she screams. “I will not be denied.”

Continue reading

Godspeed, Mary Travers

16 Sep

The musical soundtrack in my house growing up was decidedly eclectic. My dad, a trombone player through college, loved Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass. We had all the record soundtracks of all the great musicals of the era as well, and I still know all the words to “Oklahoma,” “West Side Story,” “Fiddler on the Roof,” and “My Fair Lady.” My mom leans a little country, so I could also sing every single song on Loretta Lynn’s “Coal Miner’s Daughter.”

As for Dylan and The Beatles and Rolling Stones, not so much. My parents were three-times a week churchgoers and Sunday school teachers. When we went on family road trips, we packed hymnals to sing in the car. 

But we did have Peter, Paul & Mary records. I was singing “Where Have All the Flowers Gone,” when I was young enough to think it really was about flowers. And Mary Travers, and alto like I am, showed me sometimes, the beauty is in the supporting harmony.

She fought for harmony and peace in this country as well — an end to the war in Vietnam, a victory in the war against Civil Rights. Perhaps I picked those sensibilities up while singing along as well.

Grateful tonight, hearing of her passing, for both gifts. Godspeed, Mary.

Dear Kenley Collins

19 Mar

Oh, honey. Really?

From the NY Post:

“According to law enforcement sources, an enraged Collins woke Penley up just after 7 a.m. by hurling their cat in his face. Then she threw her laptop, and as he fell crawled on the floor, slammed a door on his head.”


See, on the show, you were the pretty one. Then you trashed Tim Gunn and became the stupid one. Then you lost, and became the whiny one.

Now, you’re just cat-snit crazy.

Kenley Collins

Overheard at Dora’s House

16 Mar

“Dora, why? You’re a very pretty girl just the way you are.”

“Aye, Mama! You just say that because you’re my mother! I’ve had these same stupid bangs since 1999. Come on, vamonos al salón de belleza! I need some hair extensions.”

“I don’t know, mija, you seem too young. You’re a smart girl, always solving mysteries. It’s character that’s important. And I love your bangs.”

Dora #1

“Mama, it’s ridiculous! I need a new look. My belly’s busting out of this stupid pink tshirt. I can’t be smart *and* pretty? I am still wearing ruffly socks and Velcro shoes. I don’t even have any eyelashes. I am about to start middle school,  not preschool. No one wears backpacks, they all have messenger bags. Mama, I will always be your little muchacha, but I’m not  a baby.”

“What’s wrong with your pink shirt? I love that backpack. Next thing you know, you’ll be telling me you ditched that sweet little Strawberry Shortcake and are hanging out with the Bratz girls!”

“Mama, have you *seen* Strawberry Shortcake lately?”

Strawberry Shortcake Makeover


“Yeah, her mom let her get her freckles bleached *and* I am pretty sure she had a nose job and is wearing a bra now! No wonder I am the only one still hanging around with a stupid monkey in red boots.”

“Well, she does look pretty. I never understood why she liked those ugly brown shoes so much.”

“So I can get a new hairstyle? My ears pierced? Wear some clear lip gloss and have eyelashes? And  maybe get a shirt that camouflages my thick waist? Please???”

“OK, mija. But you are still my little girl. And you need to apologize to Boots. You hurt his feelings.”


“Oh mama! You are the best! I can’t wait to show Diego! And that snot Alicia! She’s been calling me a baby for years just because she gets to use a cool video watch.  Ha ha!  Take that jungle girl!”

Sarah Jessica, It’s So Exciting!!!

20 Feb

You are going to be in a “Chronicles of Narnia” sitcom spin-off, aren’t you! Squeeeeeeeal!

Sarah Jessica Parker

It’s a big leap from Carrie Bradshaw to  Mrs. Tumnus, the wife of the faun who first meets Lucy on her trip through the wardrobe, I know. But you are a great actress, you’re going to be fabulous! I can’t wait to see the hi-jinks!

Mr. Tumnus

Plus, you already have the shoes.


Dear Internet

22 Jan

Could everyone please give a warm cyber-welcome to “Not Going Postal’s” newest reader,  my precious husband? At least a friendly wave?

He, of course, chose *yesterday* to decide he would go ahead and read this little blog thing that I’ve been writing.  Not on the day I wrote about the MLK March, mind you? Or penned a  hopeful post about our new president.

No, on the day that I professed my crush for a 9-fingered democrat *AND* may have told the world-wide-web of his previously private predilection for Ms. Samantha Brown.

Howdy, Cowboy

Howdy, Cowboy

Awesome, right? Welcome to the Blogosphere, honey.
Now, if y’all will excuse me, I apparently need to go shopping for a cowgirl outfit.
%d bloggers like this: