5 Facebook Posts That Make Me Stabby

18 Feb

Someday, you are going to hear shattering glass and a primal scream, followed by the sound of my MacBook Pro shattering on the back patio — all because I just can’t take the Facebook stupid anymore.


Oh no, it’s not you. You’re fine. It’s those other people.

The ones who post things like this:

1. Repost this picture and get a free MacBook Pro, iPad, Pair of Tickets on Southwest, Boob job, date with Justin Bieber… etc.

Listen up. No one is giving you cool stuff for posting crap on Facebook. That is not how the world works. If you want a MacBook Pro, iPad, or cool vacation,  GET A JOB. If you already have a job and you can’t afford that stuff, get another job. Or, eat macaroni and cheese and stop going to Starbucks. But stop announcing your lack of a work ethic to your friends by incessantly posting stupid things to our news feeds.

2. Giant pictures of things you want to win.

For heaven’s sake, stop entering that damn contest for free boots that makes my Facebook feed look like a 4-H Convention. You don’t need free boots, you need someone wearing a pointy pair to give you a swift kick in the butt for cluttering up everyone’s Facebook feed.

Ditto for that stupid “Women Get it Free,” page. You do not need 100 free laundry soap samples. Go watch “Hoarders” until the feeling passes.

3. Sappy Quotes Attributed to Famous People Who Never Said Them.

My favorite of these (and by “favorite,” I mean “the one I hate the most.”) that’s going around is a speech supposedly by Bill Cosby called “I’m Tired,” where he blames all the problems of the world on African Americans, lazy poor people, drug addicts, Muslims and global warming activists.

Let’s be honest: the reason white people like to post it is because they can pretend it’s not because “Oh, a famous black person said it, not me. So I cannot possibly be racist for posting this.” But Bill Cosby didn’t give the speech. And it is, in fact, racist.

4. Any of the “Like” this picture if you want to save of baby kittens, hate cancer or love Jesus.

Jesus doesn’t need a million likes on Facebook. You save baby kittens by getting your cat fixed. And cancer sucks in a million ways,  but all the Facebook clicks in the world don’t change that. They will not bring back precious lives lost, or speed up a cure. Offer to drive a friend to chemo, donate real money. Care instead of clicking.

5. Anything you could have just checked Snopes.com before posting

Privacy warnings, political diatribes… you name it. Before you share your outrage, make sure you have not gotten your panties in a twist over an imaginary injustice. I will be the one to rain on your pity parade. Not because I like being right (although it IS kind of awesome), but because I believe truth is important. You can get so distracted by made-up horrors that you don’t even see real hurts, true ways you could make a difference.

What makes your top 5 list?

10 Responses to “5 Facebook Posts That Make Me Stabby”

  1. Tara February 18, 2013 at 10:14 pm #

    Those people who treat Facebook like a giant Craigslist. Read the classifieds.

    • lettergirl February 18, 2013 at 10:24 pm #

      Oh gosh, yes!

  2. hummingbird February 18, 2013 at 10:19 pm #

    Well said!

  3. Ivey League Mama February 18, 2013 at 10:39 pm #

    My other big Facebook frustration is being invited to play games and add my birthday and attend virtual parties where you expect me to buy things without even feeding me.

    • Nan February 18, 2013 at 11:27 pm #

      UGH! Hate that!

  4. Elizabeth February 18, 2013 at 11:05 pm #

    Number 4 is the worst to me. I’m not on Facebook, but it drives me crazy in any context. More than once I’ve had someone at my door telling me that if I loved Jesus I would order magazines from them. Grrrrrr.

  5. nancypantsgirl February 18, 2013 at 11:26 pm #

    Haha. 🙂 I seriously did win an iPad from ebookfling.com through a Facebook promotion. You can imagine how surprised I was when I found out I won. I was really depressed that day and was on the phone with a friend, actually crying, and I checked my email and suddenly screamed, “Holy Cow! I won an iPad!!” And they followed through. So actually… sometimes people really can win an iPad on Facebook. 😉 Having said that, I LOVE this post. Especially, “Like this if you care about ((blah blah blah)).” HORRIBLE!

  6. Elle February 19, 2013 at 9:24 am #

    1. Motivational poster quotes!
    2. Abused animal pictures!
    3. And sad, pathetic shelter animal posts. I wish I could adopt each and every one of them.
    And what is with all of the cowboy boot giveaway pictures? When is this damn pair of boots actually going to be given away? In five years?

    These are in addition to all of the ones you mentioned.

    Bonus #4: “I’m sick of Facebook and leaving it. Now all of the begging me to stay may commence.”

  7. Marjorie McAtee February 19, 2013 at 3:00 pm #

    “Share this picture of this terminally ill, disfigured child and Facebook will donate 2 dollars to his family.” NO THEY WON’T. STOP IT. STOP IT NOW.

  8. Renée J. (RJ Flamingo) February 20, 2013 at 9:16 am #

    Ditto! Extra emphasis on the crap that should’ve been checked on Snopes.com before reposting. I find myself popping those balloons on a regular basis. In fact, when I used to work in an office and got one of those emails, I got quite the reputation as a balloon-popper. Got to the point where other folks would wait 20 minutes to see if I posted a rebuttal or verification. Check it yourself, moron! But, noooo….

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