The Facebook Beatitudes

4 May

1. Blessed are they who do not boast about every new cow they acquire on Farmville, or every pair of shoes they got in Sorority World, for they shall not annoy their friends.

2. Blessed are they who do not click on indiscriminate video links, for they shall not be exposed as lustful perverts when the video turns out to be a virus and now everyone knows they wanted to see Katy Perry in her underthings, or Osama Bin Laden with a bullet through his head.

3. Blessed are they who avoid vaguebooking, for they shall not make their friends wonder “Is he talking about me?”

4. Blessed are they who remember their friends are not all of the same opinion when they post political diatribes, for they shall not cause rolling of eyes and gnashing of teeth.

5. Blessed are they who only tag flattering pictures of their friends, for they shall be invited to future parties.

6. Blessed are they who do not use cell phone pictures taken in the bathroom mirror for their profile, for they shall not look desperate for attention.

7. Blessed are they who remember they friended their boss before they update their status while on the clock, for they shall remain employed.

8. Blessed are those who resist the urge to stalk their ex’s profiles, for they shall live in the present.

9. Blessed are you when your children rise up and say all manner of evil against you for insisting on having their Facebook password. Rejoice and be glad, for great is your reward when they do not run off with a 34-year-old drifter they met playing Mafia Wars. In the same way, you persecuted the parents before you for reading your diary.

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2 Responses to “The Facebook Beatitudes”

  1. Stephanie May 5, 2011 at 7:56 am #

    Love this, or should I say “Like”?

  2. Tricia May 5, 2011 at 10:09 am #

    I would like to add: Blessed are they who do not post TMI about their spawn going pee pee in the potty, for they shall be spared the unfriendly ax by non-procreators.

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