Archive | May, 2011

The Facebook Beatitudes

4 May

1. Blessed are they who do not boast about every new cow they acquire on Farmville, or every pair of shoes they got in Sorority World, for they shall not annoy their friends.

2. Blessed are they who do not click on indiscriminate video links, for they shall not be exposed as lustful perverts when the video turns out to be a virus and now everyone knows they wanted to see Katy Perry in her underthings, or Osama Bin Laden with a bullet through his head.

3. Blessed are they who avoid vaguebooking, for they shall not make their friends wonder “Is he talking about me?”

4. Blessed are they who remember their friends are not all of the same opinion when they post political diatribes, for they shall not cause rolling of eyes and gnashing of teeth.

5. Blessed are they who only tag flattering pictures of their friends, for they shall be invited to future parties.

6. Blessed are they who do not use cell phone pictures taken in the bathroom mirror for their profile, for they shall not look desperate for attention.

7. Blessed are they who remember they friended their boss before they update their status while on the clock, for they shall remain employed.

8. Blessed are those who resist the urge to stalk their ex’s profiles, for they shall live in the present.

9. Blessed are you when your children rise up and say all manner of evil against you for insisting on having their Facebook password. Rejoice and be glad, for great is your reward when they do not run off with a 34-year-old drifter they met playing Mafia Wars. In the same way, you persecuted the parents before you for reading your diary.

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22 Things You Need To Know

3 May

1. The acid-washed jeans you kept from high school don’t look good anymore.

2. Mullets are not coming back

Galileo

3. Galileo was right, Ptolemy’s Theory is wrong.

4. Your life would be no different if the popular kid in 4th grade had invited you to his/her pool party.

5. Dungeons and Dragons was never cool.

6. You would not have been in Gryffindor because you would not have been admitted to Hogwarts. Ever.

7. We really landed on the moon.

8. It is not made of cheese.

9. Bigfoot is a tall guy in a costume.

10. Hitler is not secretly living in South America with a new identity.

11. Bristol Palin is not a star or a dancer.

12. No one likes Hugh Hefner for his personality.

13. You’re too old for tube tops this time around.

14. You really are going to use algebra after high school. All the time.

15. However, you won’t ever need to know what a gerund is.

16. No, “it” won’t actually make you go blind.

17. Cat’s don’t try to steal your breath. They can’t be bothered. Unless you ate tuna before bed.

18. Your dog’s tongue does not magically get sanitized between licking its butt and licking your face.

19. That is not Donald Trump’s real hair.

20. President Obama was really born in Hawaii.

21. Osama Bin Laden is really dead.

22. You don’t need to see the pictures and/or video. So stop clicking on those Facebook links. It’s a virus and you look like a moron.

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