The Case for School Starting Again

17 Aug

I present the following evidence that my children are, in fact, ready for school to start again.

Exhibit A:

They are currently squealing with glee over the idea that they will be allowed to wash the dog unsupervised. This, after he rolled in some foul substance in the backyard. Perhaps it was his own poo, perhaps a dead possum, perhaps he just wandered into the bathroom when my son was letting loose a giant noxious cloud of Axe body spray. The smell is the same. However, the kids are so bored right now that anything seems exciting.

Aside: Does that Axe stuff have fluorocarbons? Because if it does, my 11-year-old boy is singlehandedly responsible for the hole in the ozone layer. It is not the United States violating the Kyoto Treaty. It is my child. My bad, environmentalists.

Exhibit B:

The 99-cent store (Motto: 99 cents! When the Dollar Store is Just Too Expensive!) opened right down the street from us last week. The children asked today if they could please ride their scooters down there. I sent them on their merry way (armed with a cell phone, of course), and as they were leaving, overheard my daughter exclaim to her brother “This is going to be the best adventure of our LIVES!”

They returned triumphant 30 minutes later with the following purchases:

a) a bug-catching cage, b) a pirate play set complete with eye patch, fake gold coins, treasure chest, and plastic Bowie knife, c) bubble blowers, d) sunglasses and  e) a faux-nerf rocket launcher whose pink foam rocket looks like it would be better suited to a sex-toy catalog. The 99-cent store has some perverts in purchasing, y’all.

Another aside: When we popped into the 99-cent store last weekend, the young woman in front of me in line was buying a chili-pepper piñata and six boxes of 99-cent multi-colored condoms. I would personally be a little concerned about quality control issues with rainbow-brite off-brand prophylactics. Then again, I was not invited to the piñata party. No es mi problema.

Exhibit C:

Earlier this week, the aforementioned children got into a giant argument, the heat of which is probably the real cause for global warming — sorry to all of you who switched to the expensive environmental lightbulbs and bought hybrid cars. We were in public, so rather than solve the dispute on the spot, I resorted to hissing “STOP IT RIGHT NOW AND NO ONE BETTER SAY A WORD UNTIL WE GET IN THE CAR OR I AM GOING TO LET YOU OUT ON THE FREEWAY AND YOU CAN WALK HOME.”

Aside Yet Again: I learned that “you can walk home” strategy from the best parenting authority I know, my mom. Who DID in fact let my brother out of the car and drive off on one occasion. It was not on the freeway, though. And after we made a long circle around the block, she did eventually pick him up again. Much to my dismay.

Once the children and I got in the car, before anyone could talk about who did what to whom then they did what back and blahblahblahblahblah, I asked “Ok, what started the fight?”

And it seems that World War XXVI of the summer was started because while they were discussing additional plot developments for  the Nintendo game “Animal Crossing,” my daughter said Clyde the horse should date Sable the seamstress hedgehog.

And my son said no, horses cannot date hedgehogs. And she was quite offended because clearly they are right for each other, and he was quite adamant because interspecies dating is just what we thought would happen if Proposition 8 was overturned, and as for me?

I congratulated them both on the stupidest fight in the history of sibling fights, and drove straight home to count on the calendar HOW MANY MORE DAYS LEFT OF SUMMER.

14 Responses to “The Case for School Starting Again”

  1. queenofhaddock August 17, 2010 at 2:48 pm #

    I’m pretending you wrote this post just for me. 🙂

    And, Lord bless us, school started her last week. It’s a good thing, too…because one of the 4 of us wasn’t going to make it to see another day if we all had to be together all day long for even a minute longer. Maybe we should have gone to the $0.99 store!

    (You’re welcome for the most confusing run-on sentence in history.)

  2. lettergirl August 17, 2010 at 2:53 pm #

    I did write this just for you. I almost tweeted you “HEY, I BLOGGED AGAIN SINCE YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE A SLACKER.” Then I decided that sounded a little desperate for you to come comment. Then, you did anyway. So in the end, we all get what we want. Hooray!

  3. Sandra August 17, 2010 at 3:26 pm #

    Interspecies dating (and, gasp! marriage) is exactly what Prop 8 is designed to foil. Take the Canadian experience with same sex marriage as the dire warning it is: virtually every day I see horses and hedgehogs holding hands in the hallways for hours. Pigs and porcupines too. Can canaries and cantelopes be far behind?

    • lettergirl August 17, 2010 at 3:37 pm #

      I am going to need a picture of this hedgehog and horse hand-holding, Sandra.

  4. Patty Vela August 17, 2010 at 5:15 pm #

    Every time I go to the 99 Cent store I think the EXACT same thing about the condoms AND the pregnancy tests? Really….a 99 cent pregnancy test? Really?

  5. Toni August 17, 2010 at 5:15 pm #

    Oh this was the most timely and delicious of posts and Sandra’s comment was hilarious too! Thank you both.

  6. J. Welsh August 17, 2010 at 9:42 pm #

    I can definitely relate to the walking home portion. Wasn’t on the freeway, but I didn’t get picked up again either. This might have been when I lost car privileges in high school and upset my mother when she was driving me home. I wonder that I was such a “rebellious” child. haha.

    As for counting the days, it should definitely start up very soon. Although instead of two children, I’m apparently going to have 160. It boggles my mind, but I hope hope hope I don’t have any major issues. If I do, I might have to call on you for some advice. 😉

    By the way, your side comments are golden.

    • mom judy August 18, 2010 at 10:53 am #

      i don’t remember letting Chris out but have contemplated leaping out myself a few. This made Dave pretty nervous. I think i only baled once. it made my point which is fogotten but must have been effective.

  7. Kathy August 18, 2010 at 2:30 pm #

    Your blog should really be picked up by Funny or Die or something as I’m always rolling on the floor laughing! Even though I don’t have kids of school age, it still rings true for so many of us! Thanks for the post!

  8. Jenny August 19, 2010 at 9:27 am #

    Scary things can happen when children venture into the 99 cent store unattended. I applaud your courage in sending them there. I am also wishing school would start, before my 12 year old daughter ends up sold on Ebay. Between coming back from her Dad’s for the summer with a huge black streak through her blonde hair (that I now have to get removed) and taking her school shopping for clothes – I am beyond DONE. Perhaps next summer we can start a child exchange program?

  9. That One Mom August 22, 2010 at 10:20 pm #

    These scenarios sound so familiar! I feel the need to make a chain counting down the days!

  10. Future DILF-in-Training August 23, 2010 at 12:49 pm #

    this post is so epic.

    i may have to present this as proof to my wife as to why we need more children!

  11. Christina September 2, 2010 at 9:10 pm #

    Oh Dawn funny stuff!! I especially loved the dollar store one. Oh silly girls for purchasing condoms at the dollar store. You get what you pay for, uh a baby??

  12. Kristen September 2, 2010 at 9:49 pm #

    it is totally my fault that I haven’t laughed this hard lately. I knew I should stop by and yet I did not. Procrastination is the motto of my life.

    thank you again for making my day! TGFS (thank God for school)

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