Archive | August, 2010

The Case for School Starting Again

17 Aug

I present the following evidence that my children are, in fact, ready for school to start again.

Exhibit A:

They are currently squealing with glee over the idea that they will be allowed to wash the dog unsupervised. This, after he rolled in some foul substance in the backyard. Perhaps it was his own poo, perhaps a dead possum, perhaps he just wandered into the bathroom when my son was letting loose a giant noxious cloud of Axe body spray. The smell is the same. However, the kids are so bored right now that anything seems exciting.

Aside: Does that Axe stuff have fluorocarbons? Because if it does, my 11-year-old boy is singlehandedly responsible for the hole in the ozone layer. It is not the United States violating the Kyoto Treaty. It is my child. My bad, environmentalists.

Exhibit B:

The 99-cent store (Motto: 99 cents! When the Dollar Store is Just Too Expensive!) opened right down the street from us last week. The children asked today if they could please ride their scooters down there. I sent them on their merry way (armed with a cell phone, of course), and as they were leaving, overheard my daughter exclaim to her brother “This is going to be the best adventure of our LIVES!”

They returned triumphant 30 minutes later with the following purchases:

a) a bug-catching cage, b) a pirate play set complete with eye patch, fake gold coins, treasure chest, and plastic Bowie knife, c) bubble blowers, d) sunglasses and  e) a faux-nerf rocket launcher whose pink foam rocket looks like it would be better suited to a sex-toy catalog. The 99-cent store has some perverts in purchasing, y’all.

Another aside: When we popped into the 99-cent store last weekend, the young woman in front of me in line was buying a chili-pepper piñata and six boxes of 99-cent multi-colored condoms. I would personally be a little concerned about quality control issues with rainbow-brite off-brand prophylactics. Then again, I was not invited to the piñata party. No es mi problema.

Exhibit C:

Earlier this week, the aforementioned children got into a giant argument, the heat of which is probably the real cause for global warming — sorry to all of you who switched to the expensive environmental lightbulbs and bought hybrid cars. We were in public, so rather than solve the dispute on the spot, I resorted to hissing “STOP IT RIGHT NOW AND NO ONE BETTER SAY A WORD UNTIL WE GET IN THE CAR OR I AM GOING TO LET YOU OUT ON THE FREEWAY AND YOU CAN WALK HOME.”

Aside Yet Again: I learned that “you can walk home” strategy from the best parenting authority I know, my mom. Who DID in fact let my brother out of the car and drive off on one occasion. It was not on the freeway, though. And after we made a long circle around the block, she did eventually pick him up again. Much to my dismay.

Once the children and I got in the car, before anyone could talk about who did what to whom then they did what back and blahblahblahblahblah, I asked “Ok, what started the fight?”

And it seems that World War XXVI of the summer was started because while they were discussing additional plot developments for  the Nintendo game “Animal Crossing,” my daughter said Clyde the horse should date Sable the seamstress hedgehog.

And my son said no, horses cannot date hedgehogs. And she was quite offended because clearly they are right for each other, and he was quite adamant because interspecies dating is just what we thought would happen if Proposition 8 was overturned, and as for me?

I congratulated them both on the stupidest fight in the history of sibling fights, and drove straight home to count on the calendar HOW MANY MORE DAYS LEFT OF SUMMER.

This is 2 a.m. Guilt Blogging

6 Aug

Seven weeks in to an 8-week Spanish class and this is what I have accomplished:

I can read the inner thoughts of Manchitas the cat.

Spanish Book, Dos Mundos

Manchitas, she does not understand her owners. She finds them tiresome. This, I believe, is the cross-cultural world view of cats. Cats in California, cats in Canada, cats in Colombia… they would hold paws and sing Kumbayah about their shared superiority. However, they are too sophisticated for something so pedestrian. So they just glance knowingly at each other.

“Los humanos son muy estupidos,” dice Manchitas.

That is why I have dogs. We had cats for 18 years. They got on my nerves.

If my Spanish was good enough, I would explain this to Manchitas the cat. Alas, I fear my mangled Spanish would only fuel her documented belief that humans are inferior. So I will settle for reading her thoughts in Dos Mundos.

Manchitas, by the way, no le gustan las pulgas.

On this, Manchitas and I agree.

And that is about what I can understand after 7 weeks of Spanish.

Also, I know how to tell people I really like chocolate.

Totally worth my tuition right there.

My class ends in a week and then perhaps, I will begin blogging with more regularity. I know, you were wondering what happened and were just too polite to say so, all three of you still reading.

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