I See Spain, I See France, I See Santa Anna’s Underpants

17 Sep

So this week, in addition to the scintillating things I have been posting here, I have also been writing a rather lengthy paper for a course on Texas History. Although I am quite proud of the Lone Star State (unless Governor Rick Perry is opening his mouth), I still struggled with motivation.

Why? Because I’ve had this professor before, and knew full well he was not going to actually read the paper. If the margins are off or the typeface and spacing is wrong, or it’s not long enough, or the title page is not properly centered? Points off. If I say General Santa Anna brought a fighting force of 1,000 drunk leprechauns to the Battle of the Alamo where they defeated the Texans by swinging pots of gold at their heads? Not a problem.

My suspicions were confirmed after I sent my paper in via email, as directed. I requested a delivery and read receipt, just so I would know it got there safely. My email arrived, and was opened at 7:47 p.m.  At 7:48 p.m., I got a second email, stating “Your grade has been recorded.”

That’s right. One minute later. So either Evelyn Wood has returned from the dead and is teaching Texas History disguised as a man, or I’m getting graded on auto-pilot.  Darn it, I wanted someone to actually read the paper I had slaved over.

So instead, I will post it here. No, not really.

I do, however, offer this:

A Brief and Incomplete History of Texas

(Featuring numerous legends and other inaccuracies)

texas flag

In fourteen-hundred and ninety-two,
Columbus sailed the Ocean Blue,
I’m sure you’ve heard that, know it all to be true
Chris just found the Bahamas, but Spain wasn’t through.

They soon sent a guy named “Head of the Cow”
(Well, Cabeza de Vaca, but anyhow.)

Cabeza de Vaca

Cowhead went along on another’s expedition.
Got lost & captured, posed as a physician.
Came back, and oh! The tales he told
About seven wondrous cities all made of gold.
Of course he was lying, but the Spanish got excited.
Sent Coronado to find where the treasure was hided.

 coronado

He found no gold cities, but he did meet some Injuns
and reported to Spain that perhaps they could friend ’em.
So next, the Spanish sent priests to the state,
Built presidios and missions (most met a bad fate).

La Salle

La Salle showed up next, not quite right in the head
Had he lived today, he’d for sure be on meds.
But he wasn’t. So in one of his wild manic flurries,
He canoed the Mississippi, claimed Texas in a hurry.
This went over with the Spanish like a fart in church,
but with their empire crumbling they were left in the lurch.

Mexican Flag

Mexico declared independence, took Texas along,
Then invited Americans to buy land for a song.
But soon, all the white folks decided they’d rather
be owners than guests, and an army they gathered.

They declared independence, Santa Anna went crazy,
Sent his bro-in-law first, I guess he was lazy.
General Cos soon surrendered, came right back home.
So Santa Anna decided he’d lead on his own.

Santa Anna

He marched off to Goliad, killed surrendering men,
then to San Antonio, where real fights would begin.
Now, Sam Houston had told those folks to pull back
But Col. Travis insisted they’d face the attack.

At the Alamo, he drew that line in the sand
“Cross now if you’re with me,” became his command.
Of course, his men crossed, their fate then entrenched —
save one who went running. (No surprise, he was French.)

Alamo

The other brave defenders fought on to the death,
And battled for Texas until their last breaths.
We remember the Alamo, though the battle was lost,
for those who fought back, knowing full well the cost.

Santa Anna marched onward, determined to win.
But in San Jacinto, his dreams would soon end.
His army defeated, Santa Anna was worried,
So into a private’s uniform he then scurried.

He hoped to pass for just one of the guys,
But the general was busted, to no one’s surprise.
See, Victoria’s Secret was also Santa Anny’s,
The General preferred to wear silky panties.

They gave him away, and discovered, he caved.
He signed Texas over to the rebels so brave
So we gained independence. We’re Texas, hear us roar.
Now I’m done with my story, read a textbook for more.

Not Going Postal is not responsible for any misinformation that may be present in this version of events. History is written by the winners. And sometimes, by the silly. God Bless Texas.

Advertisements

10 Responses to “I See Spain, I See France, I See Santa Anna’s Underpants”

  1. Ed Harvey September 18, 2009 at 10:54 am #

    YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAWW! Loved IT!!

  2. Elle September 18, 2009 at 10:59 am #

    I wish you wrote all of the history books. 😉

  3. TXvideot September 18, 2009 at 11:41 am #

    Beauty. Pure beauty.

  4. Shelley Ellis September 18, 2009 at 12:19 pm #

    A+ from a former Texas history teacher now in exile in Nebraska. Oh, and I actually read it!

  5. ingrid September 18, 2009 at 2:12 pm #

    I like how you said it better than my teacher’s! Lot more interesting!
    ~ingrid

  6. judymom September 18, 2009 at 7:42 pm #

    who will have the courage to render this version to the erstwhile prof?

  7. Cindy September 18, 2009 at 8:25 pm #

    That was awesome.

  8. Mary September 19, 2009 at 10:20 am #

    I will print this for my 7th grader who despises her Texas History class — “it’s the same stuff from 4th grade; do they think you can’t remember anything when you get to middle school?!” ummmm…. yes.

  9. Lou September 30, 2009 at 5:21 pm #

    Fantastic! I love the subtlety of the “all the white folks decided they’d rather be owners” line.

  10. flabbybrain October 14, 2009 at 5:16 pm #

    Love the poem! Hilarious!

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: