Dear “Real Simple” Editors

14 Sep

Oh, for heaven’s sake.

Real Simple

You lure me in every time, what with your “Real Simple” masthead, and the promise of a month’s worth of easy dinners and pull-out shopping lists. Pull-out shopping lists, for crying out loud! How could things go wrong?

But they always go wrong, don’t they, “Real Simple?” You flirt from the checkout line, claiming you’re “easy.” But when I get home? Those formerly “easy” dinners just tease me with their talk of seared lamb chops with minted spaghetti squash and shrimp pot pie with fennel.

I can see my children now, being served shrimp and fennel pie. You want it to be “Real Simple?” Build a month’s menu around the economy bag of chicken nuggets from Costco.

And then, as if the dinner menus don’t make me feel like enough of a domestic dingbat, you add this to the cover.

realsimple

THE HELL? You have a cover article on “21 Real-life Laundry Strategies.”

You guys, NO ONE needs an article detailing 21 laundry strategies. That is not Real Simple. That is Real Anal. Even Martha Stewart doesn’t have 21 laundry strategies. 

I don’t even know what a “laundry strategy” is. Here’s my suggestion: When you run out of clothes and find your children wearing formal wear or bathing suits to school, it is time to do the laundry.

Ta Da!

Real Simple.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go read the article on “10 Ways to Reduce Stress.” Because your “21 Laundry Strategies” have me in well, a lather.

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13 Responses to “Dear “Real Simple” Editors”

  1. Kim, Rambling Family Manager September 15, 2009 at 12:01 am #

    I was looking at this issue in the grocery today! I was strong; I didn’t cave and buy the magazine… this time. Their covers are so very seductive, though; it’s hard to resist, and yet, like you, I am disappointed every time.

  2. canarygirl September 15, 2009 at 12:55 am #

    LMFAO!!!! 21 laundry strategies indeed. I have the same strategy as you. And the hell you say about shrimp and fennel pie? Maybe for people without kids, but then do they really need a whole month’s worth of real simple meals? I’ve got your back with the month’s worth of new and exciting ways to serve nuggets.

  3. Claire September 15, 2009 at 3:03 am #

    Obviously, I have a lot to learn. I read this and thought “seared lamb chops with minted spaghetti squash and shrimp pot pie with fennel” Yum. Not, oh kids won’t eat that.

    🙂

  4. Karen September 15, 2009 at 5:39 am #

    I LOVE your suggestion on how to know when it’s time to do the laundry! Thanks for making me laugh this morning.

  5. ingrid September 15, 2009 at 8:42 am #

    LOL, I was actually thinking I’d like to read that article on laundry strategies. Laundry’s out of control and off the hook at my house!
    ~ingrid

  6. Beth September 15, 2009 at 6:05 pm #

    You just made an intensely stressful day a bit lighter. Thanks for the laughter. I, too, don’t need laundry “strategies”, and I don’t call myself “Chicken Nugget Mama” ‘cuz I’m feeding my kid “real simple” gourmet dinners. So glad to know I’m not alone! Cheers!

  7. CJ Jackson September 15, 2009 at 6:51 pm #

    Love your blog. Enjoy the posts. You make me laugh and I appreciate it!

  8. feefifoto September 15, 2009 at 7:36 pm #

    I also adored your guideline on how to determine when it’s time to do laundry. It’s so useful to boil complex rules down to the bare bones, isn’t it?

  9. Aunt Becky September 15, 2009 at 8:07 pm #

    Well, I don’t know about you, but I have all the time in the world to…

    Oh fuck it.

    I’m lucky if laundry is done. Period.

  10. Pop Culture Nerd September 16, 2009 at 11:44 am #

    Oh my gosh, I was just looking at this cover last night at the store and almost bought it. You made me feel so much better for doing so. I don’t even know what fennel is!

    As for my laundry strategy, I try not to have everything come out pink or shrunken to the size of a pea. That’s about all the strategy I can handle.

  11. That One Mom September 16, 2009 at 2:53 pm #

    Ohmyfrickingod! That is so funny! “21 Laundry Strategies”?!?!? You had me in tears! I was just saying today that I have laundry up to my eyeballs!

    And in what alternate reality is there anything simple about lamb or shrimp, unless you’re nuking it!

    Thank you so much for the belly laugh!

  12. vanessa September 19, 2009 at 5:36 pm #

    OMG!!! I just started reading your blog in august and every one of them makes me laugh! But this was one of the best!!! The dinners are never “real simple”. My 8 year old would think I was on crack if I tried to feed her shrimp with fennel (or whatever it was)!!! As for laundry-yeaaaah, my strategy-pray we don’t run out of clean underwear before I get around to doing it!!

  13. A. Nonymous February 4, 2010 at 9:55 pm #

    I’m a former Real Simple employee and I LOVE that you nailed it on the head. Even we who worked there would laugh over how ridiculous many of the articles were. In my last year of employment there I don’t think I actually read an article….but the pictures sure are pretty!

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