Purseology – Analyzing the Bag Lady

13 Sep

So, I asked my Twitter friends for a suggested blog topic because you know, I am realizing something about this “blogging every day” business. Y’all, I barely have one salient thought a week worthy of sharing with the Internet. Seriously. I am inflicting all kinds of unnecessary crap on you people.

I am going to have to blog every day in October, too, just so I can apologize for all the stupidity I’ve put out there in the name of disciplining myself to write.

ANYWAY.

My friend Janelle asked a crucial question, totally worthy of examination.

“Why do I keep all this crap in my purse?”

So I told her I would analyze it, but I needed a list.

Here is my preliminary conclusion: Janelle is harboring a secret fantasy involving Monty Hall.

montehall

Remember how on “Let’s Make a Deal” when he would walk around the freakish costumed audience and offer people $50 if they had an ace of spades card with an aspirin stuck to it? Janelle clearly wakes up every morning dreaming that she’ll roll over, open her eyes, and Monty will whisper “Come on, let’s see what’s behind curtain #1.”

Bless her heart.

On to the contents of her purse and what they mean:

1.  Tape measure – I think this is self-explanatory. Size matters to Janelle.

2.  100 business cards of people I don’t know Janelle has an overwhelming compulsion to be nice to people and pretend she cares. So she takes their business cards and says “Well, isn’t that nice.” Then she promptly forgets who they are.

3. Deposit slips, Wallet – These are totally normal purse objects. Except that Janelle’s deposit slips are to a Swiss bank account.

4.  $37  in change – This is evidence of a traumatic childhood incident where Janelle had to spend her 8th birthday at a toll booth because her mom couldn’t pay the toll. Either that, or Janelle has embarked on a revolutionary new weight-lifting program.

5.  Make up for two-week vacation just in case– Janelle is either overly concerned about hiding the ravages of time, or she is going to regular costume parties as Tammy Faye Bakker.

6. Perfume, deodorant – If Janelle has to go on the lam, she will still smell good.

7.  Brush – and her hair will look nice.

8. Pink pashmina in case I get cold in the 103 degree heat – and if someone stuffs her in a meat locker, she will survive.

9. Tide-To-Go pen– This indicates Janelle is on the verge of murdering someone at all times and wants to make sure she can get the blood stains out of her pink pashmina.

10. Travel size stapler – This is in case someone annoys Janelle and she needs to give them a little warning to behave. Also, someone encased her regular stapler in Jello once so she always carries one with her.

11.  Memo pad, Post it Notes – Janelle likes to have a variety of ways to leave people threats about what will happen if they don’t shape up.

12.  Highlighter, pens, my favorite Papermate pencil  – She also likes to have a variety of writing utensils to keep her threats colorful. And “her favorite Papermate pencil” has poison on the tip in case she needs to stab someone.

13. Cell phone charger – this might be normal, except Janelle never mentioned a cell phone. So she either stole this, or has the cord as a possible murder weapon.

14.  Two different kinds of gum: Trident Citrus and Orbit Bubble Mint Janelle likes to vary the ways she disguises her breath after a 3-martini lunch.

15. Mentos – If she needs to create a distraction, Janelle can drop these in people’s diet Pepsi and run away.

16. Matches– When the Tide-to-Go Pen doesn’t work, burn the evidence.

17.  Sunglasses – Getaway disguise.

18. Umbrella — well, duh. It’s been raining a lot lately.

And then, Janelle added this: ” and that’s not my big purse.” Which of course, given the contents of her other purse, probably has a body in it.

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18 Responses to “Purseology – Analyzing the Bag Lady”

  1. bernice September 14, 2009 at 8:56 am #

    OMG!!! you have successfully captured the essense of Janellie Pants!! and yes, there’s a possibility there IS a body in her big purse. Or several…

  2. Charlotte-Anne Lucas September 14, 2009 at 8:59 am #

    Funny that just last week someone compared my purse to one of those “clown cars” at the circus, simply because he saw me retrieve both a large and small kazoo from my small satchel.
    (Both kazoos are plastic, so as not to raise eyebrows when they go through TSA machines at the airport.)
    Kazoos are, well, because you never know when you might need one.
    In this case, there was a birthday party that needed accompaniment!
    No doubt he would be quite alarmed at Janelle’s purse.
    We best not tell him …

  3. Jennifer w A Regal Affair September 14, 2009 at 9:33 am #

    bwaaahaha! My favorite: #4. $37 in change just might be my new weight lifting program.

  4. Janelle September 14, 2009 at 9:39 am #

    @lettergirl you are a wise one………I shall dream of Monty Hall this evening and feel a sense of relief knowing now what the hell I have been waiting for ……..damnit! Now, WHO WANTS TO MAKE A DEAL?

  5. Aunt Becky September 14, 2009 at 9:57 am #

    Can we be friends? Or relatives?

  6. lettergirl September 14, 2009 at 10:06 am #

    Becky, you asking me or Janelle? ROFL

  7. OBHTer September 14, 2009 at 10:19 am #

    I’m rolling here..that was classic. Remind me to never let you look in my purse. You might tag me a “Janelle” type.

  8. RuthWells September 14, 2009 at 11:09 am #

    Hee!

  9. RJ Flamingo September 14, 2009 at 11:15 am #

    I needy laptop to write the appropriate comment…:-) Later!

  10. Elle September 14, 2009 at 1:50 pm #

    Hilarious! I’ve downsized. Wallet, phone, one pen, a lip gloss, and a small pack of gum. Very small purse=less shit. 😉

  11. lettergirl September 14, 2009 at 2:20 pm #

    P.S. Janelle is not really a homicidal maniac. She’s an event planner and probably needs all that crap in her purse. ALLEGEDLY.

  12. Kami Lewis Levin September 14, 2009 at 6:36 pm #

    Right. Which is why I only carry my keys, wallet, cell phone and sunglasses. Along with my work bag, my two kids nap bags, their school bags, their lunch bags, my lunch bag, and my coffee. Maybe what I really need is a duffel bag. Or better yet, Mary Poppins’ carpet bag…

  13. Tara P September 14, 2009 at 6:59 pm #

    I’ve noticed that as we get older, we need bigger purses. I swear my grandma gets hers in the luggage department.

  14. Beth September 14, 2009 at 8:14 pm #

    Your blog made me go look in my purse. It was frightening. Truly the stuff of nightmares. I had 7 matchbox cars in there. Seven! And there was a lollipop that had half-way come out of its wrapper and attached itself to the back of a receipt from Fred Meyer that was over 6 weeks old! How did all that crap get in there in the first place??? I need therapy! Oh, no I don’t. I can just read your blog.

  15. ingrid September 14, 2009 at 9:27 pm #

    Ha-ha-ha! Do my purse next!? No wait scratch that I’m afraid of how you might interpret things. LOL!
    ~ingrid

  16. orbit bubblemint December 17, 2009 at 11:00 am #

    Hehe. Different ways to cover up a 3 martini lunch. Classic.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Twitter Trackbacks for Purseology – Analyzing the Bag Lady « Not Going Postal [notgoingpostal.com] on Topsy.com - September 14, 2009

    […] Purseology – Analyzing the Bag Lady « Not Going Postal notgoingpostal.com/2009/09/13/purseology-analyzing-the-bag-lady – view page – cached So, I asked my Twitter friends for a suggested blog topic because you know, I am realizing something about this “blogging every day” business. Y’all, I barely have one salient thought a week worthy of sharing with the Internet. — From the page […]

  2. Tabled for Discussion « Not Going Postal - September 16, 2009

    […] for Discussion Jump to Comments The purse analysis I artfully provided for Janelle earlier this week sparked a follow-up request from my friend […]

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