So, I asked my Twitter friends for a suggested blog topic because you know, I am realizing something about this “blogging every day” business. Y’all, I barely have one salient thought a week worthy of sharing with the Internet. Seriously. I am inflicting all kinds of unnecessary crap on you people.
I am going to have to blog every day in October, too, just so I can apologize for all the stupidity I’ve put out there in the name of disciplining myself to write.
My friend Janelle asked a crucial question, totally worthy of examination.
“Why do I keep all this crap in my purse?”
So I told her I would analyze it, but I needed a list.
Here is my preliminary conclusion: Janelle is harboring a secret fantasy involving Monty Hall.
Remember how on “Let’s Make a Deal” when he would walk around the freakish costumed audience and offer people $50 if they had an ace of spades card with an aspirin stuck to it? Janelle clearly wakes up every morning dreaming that she’ll roll over, open her eyes, and Monty will whisper “Come on, let’s see what’s behind curtain #1.”
Bless her heart.
On to the contents of her purse and what they mean:
1. Tape measure – I think this is self-explanatory. Size matters to Janelle.
2. 100 business cards of people I don’t know – Janelle has an overwhelming compulsion to be nice to people and pretend she cares. So she takes their business cards and says “Well, isn’t that nice.” Then she promptly forgets who they are.
3. Deposit slips, Wallet – These are totally normal purse objects. Except that Janelle’s deposit slips are to a Swiss bank account.
4. $37 in change – This is evidence of a traumatic childhood incident where Janelle had to spend her 8th birthday at a toll booth because her mom couldn’t pay the toll. Either that, or Janelle has embarked on a revolutionary new weight-lifting program.
5. Make up for two-week vacation just in case– Janelle is either overly concerned about hiding the ravages of time, or she is going to regular costume parties as Tammy Faye Bakker.
6. Perfume, deodorant – If Janelle has to go on the lam, she will still smell good.
7. Brush – and her hair will look nice.
8. Pink pashmina in case I get cold in the 103 degree heat – and if someone stuffs her in a meat locker, she will survive.
9. Tide-To-Go pen– This indicates Janelle is on the verge of murdering someone at all times and wants to make sure she can get the blood stains out of her pink pashmina.
10. Travel size stapler – This is in case someone annoys Janelle and she needs to give them a little warning to behave. Also, someone encased her regular stapler in Jello once so she always carries one with her.
11. Memo pad, Post it Notes – Janelle likes to have a variety of ways to leave people threats about what will happen if they don’t shape up.
12. Highlighter, pens, my favorite Papermate pencil – She also likes to have a variety of writing utensils to keep her threats colorful. And “her favorite Papermate pencil” has poison on the tip in case she needs to stab someone.
13. Cell phone charger – this might be normal, except Janelle never mentioned a cell phone. So she either stole this, or has the cord as a possible murder weapon.
14. Two different kinds of gum: Trident Citrus and Orbit Bubble Mint – Janelle likes to vary the ways she disguises her breath after a 3-martini lunch.
15. Mentos – If she needs to create a distraction, Janelle can drop these in people’s diet Pepsi and run away.
16. Matches– When the Tide-to-Go Pen doesn’t work, burn the evidence.
17. Sunglasses – Getaway disguise.
18. Umbrella — well, duh. It’s been raining a lot lately.
And then, Janelle added this: ” and that’s not my big purse.” Which of course, given the contents of her other purse, probably has a body in it.