Pregnant Pause

1 Sep

Seriously, Michelle Duggar.

I woke up this morning feeling determined and ready to accomplish something, ready to pop out a new blog post. The “Today Show” would probably call, so rare have they been lately. The world two people who read this blog would be so happy.

Then, you totally steal the headines by announcing you’re popping out a new kid. Duggar number 19 is preparing to shoot forth from your loins and join the ranks of tater-tot-casserole-eating, tour-bus-riding kids with names starting with J. I have a suggestion for this one, by the way. JustStop.

Of course, you won’t see my brilliant suggestion because clearly, you don’t read this blog. Since I have already offered some sage advice on this topic.

Nonetheless, I wish you and the next Duggar well. I wish you’d stop having kids and start using some of your obviously amazing budgeting and organizational skills to mentor young mothers. But you know, I’m sitting on my ass making jokes about tater tot casserole, so I don’t really have the credibility to judge.

Not that that’s ever stopped me.

Just do not invite me to the baby shower. You have turned fertility into enough of a money-making enterprise that I am absolutely not ponying up for another onesie, and I am not playing that idiotic “name the candy bar in the diaper” game again. I don’t care how much Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer and Jordyn-Grace beg.

23 Responses to “Pregnant Pause”

  1. Elle September 1, 2009 at 8:33 am #

    Ok, I thought Jedidiah was bad. That is, until I got to Jinger. WTF kind of name is Jinger?

    Seriously, this is out of control. How much attention can she give the little ones? How much are the older kids responsible for helping out with the younger kids? It’s not fair to keep popping kids out and expecting the older kids to pick up the slack. They need to have lives of their own and get out of the freak show.

    This woman makes me crazy!

  2. Jane September 1, 2009 at 8:34 am #

    One wonders why people look at me and my 7 funny…

  3. Lynette September 1, 2009 at 8:36 am #

    AAHAHAHA….. I can’t even be mad at you. I get mad when I see people with SIX kids. I’m all WTF?! We live in Los Angeles…this is NOT a farm town. WTH are you gonna do with all those kids?! You’re just ridiculous.

    Maybe the Duggars will invite ME to the baby shower. I can gift wrap some condoms. Do they have cards that say “Stop it already. Your vagina is not a clown car”? Perhaps, at Walmart?

  4. Elle September 1, 2009 at 8:36 am #

    Are thise really the kid’s names? hehe!

  5. Elle September 1, 2009 at 8:39 am #

    I mean “those.”

  6. SKM September 1, 2009 at 8:46 am #

    Elle – yes, those are the real names. I just shake my head …

  7. RuthWells September 1, 2009 at 8:50 am #

    Holy cow. Really? The woman is a human Pez dispenser.

  8. Christine September 1, 2009 at 8:58 am #

    I am so with you on this. I undestand wanting to have kids, I have two and to be honest would love to have had more. But bloody hell 19, I mean 19!!! I really think that people who go on having so many children have a different reality to the rest of us. How on earth do they provide upkeep for all those mouths, its bloody irresponsible if you ask me. Its giving some people the wrong impression because they sit there with some level of financial comfort (I dont know how, they dont have time to work, they are too busy shagging) that God will provide. It may make some think, that if I just go on having kids a reality show contract will just drop in my lap. I dont think so. I have one word for the Duggars, CONTRACEPTION!!!!

    Thank you for letting me rant! I feel so much better.
    (Gets off soap box)

  9. Toni September 1, 2009 at 9:40 am #

    “Your vagina is not a clown car” I’ll be laughing to myself about that all day!

  10. Ed Harvey September 1, 2009 at 9:44 am #

    I feel so much better about my 5 now. However mine are spread out oldest 18 youngest 5. I Would not give them up for anything but I DO believe I have reached my limit!!

  11. RJ Flamingo September 1, 2009 at 9:47 am #

    Sorry, I’ve been off-world. WhoTheF*** are the Duggars? Seriously. I’ve never heard of them. But 19 kids? Many shocked epithets leap to mind.

    I think their reality TV series should be sponsored by Planned Parenthood with no commercial interruptions…Just wait till the end of the episode, go to black, and in in big white letters: “SEE?” with “Call Planned Parenthood” and the 1-800 number underneath in a tasteful font.

  12. Karen September 1, 2009 at 11:42 am #

    Wow…I have no words…

    Thankfully *you* do and I appreciate your bloggy supremeness!

  13. Mike McClain September 1, 2009 at 12:54 pm #

    I had never heard of these people. This is nuts. Is this like a reality show or something. You were way too kind. Toughen up.

  14. judymom September 1, 2009 at 2:24 pm #

    Im taking my -clown car -to bed. I am 66 and it is safe and fun and I will never be in the news. My hubby laughed over the term until i thought there was something truly interesting in this blog and it is hysterical—the term—not the idiocy of this freak.

  15. Groucho September 1, 2009 at 3:15 pm #

    I like my cigar too, but I take it out every now and then.

  16. Matt Scherer September 1, 2009 at 3:29 pm #


    I chuckled slightly as I read your latest post. It’s spot on and on target. In a few minutes, I am going to counsel a kid in the Texas Youth Commission who’s going to get some more reality from yours truly on the cost of raising a family.

    I am not the perfect father, but I am hoping to convince this kid to get his professional automotive certifications so that he can support his son and his girl friend on more than what a short order cook makes at the local Sonic.

  17. Brandyberry September 1, 2009 at 4:49 pm #

    RE: God Providing

    God … GE … Maytag … whatever works

  18. queenofhaddock September 1, 2009 at 4:50 pm #

    Come on…the candy in a diaper game is fun every.single.time.

  19. ingrid September 1, 2009 at 8:26 pm #

    I missed that headline!

  20. Kami Lewis Levin September 2, 2009 at 9:34 am #

    My favorite episode was the one where the whole Duggar family took a fieldtrip to the Creation Museum ( You know, the one where the bible comes to life?

    I can’t wait to see the Duggar Family Next Generation reality show that chronicles the degree to which those 79 children are maladjusted and socially absurd. (But excel at making soap and keeping their meth lab clean.)

  21. Laura November 8, 2009 at 1:39 am #

    No kidding: by the time you get to number 19, it’s NOT NEWS!! 😀

  22. Tammy February 10, 2010 at 10:45 am #

    Wow, has it really come to this in our society? That we mock people for choosing to have a lot of children? I only have three kids, so I’m not defending myself here, by the way. But, really? You wasted time blogging (’cause seriously, who are you that anyone should care what you think?), and the rest of us wasted time responding (again, who are we that anyone should care what we have to say?). Meanwhile, the Duggars are living their lives, having children and raising them to be well-mannered, productive members of society who do not waste hours on the internet, by the way.

    If anyone should ‘just stop’, it’s bloggers and commenters. Myself included.

    Live your life. Let others live theirs. If you must immortalize your comments on the world wide web, then make them count by calling attention to things that really matter, and I’ll do my part by not commenting (and thereby encouraging) bloggers who rant about nonsense.

    I’ll start right after I post this.

  23. Jack Bauer February 10, 2010 at 1:33 pm #

    How the hell do you know whether the Duggar’s kids are not wasting hours on the internet?
    Is being pimped out on TV by their parents better than that?
    You’re not worth the bullet.

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