Now listen, I love you all. I’m glad we are connected.
There’s been a hole in my life ever since we lost touch after: (check one)
- high school
- third grade
- that one time at band camp
- I got that restraining order against you
But still, I am enjoying this renewed connection. I like knowing what you’re up to, I love the pictures of your kids or cat. I enjoy trying to decide which of us has aged better. (Hi, Lisa. You win. I still like you.)
However, there remain some things I don’t want to know about you.
I don’t want to know which swear word you would be, how big of a b-tch you are, what sexual position you would be, or how many celebrities without makeup you can name. I am not at all worried about whether or not the Transformers would like you back.
I read Harry Potter, too, but I don’t care which Hogwarts House you would be assigned to, especially if you are over 40, because that is just sad. I don’t care if you are a Fork Biter or a Knife licker, and frankly, that sounds dirty. I don’t want to know what your lucky number is, especially if it announces it to me in a sparkly animated .gif that takes up two-thirds of my home page.
I don’t care what cookie, ice cream flavor, candy bar, or sandwich you would be. I do not want to lick your profile lollipop, and also? That is just gross.
I’m not totally anti-quiz. I will give you a pass of they are hilarious or ironic or historical like “How long would you last in a fight with God?” or “Which fiend of history are you?” You get a pass on style points for those.
I know, you get bored. You take these things late at night and you can’t sleep because you drank 12 Diet Cokes after noon, or when you are locked in the bathroom with the laptop hiding from your children who are home for the summer and just won’t. stop. asking. questions.
Or maybe that’s just me.
But before you hit that little button that asks “publish to your News Feed?” I want you to think long and hard. Does your third-grade crush, your husband’s cousin, your BFF from college and the rest of the free world REALLY NEED TO KNOW THIS? Step back from the computer and count to ten.
And it’s not a quiz, but if for even a millisecond, you think you should tell the world that you just sent a friend an “I Weep Alone” using gothic gifts? I am begging you, turn off your computer and go get some sunshine.
P.S. For the record, I would last 15 seconds in a fight with God, although I know better than to start one.