The Birds and the Butterflies and Twitter Morons

19 Jun

Wow, when I offered to answer the Internet’s problems Monday, some of you had some great questions.  Some of you should probably seek professional help. And some of you? Both “A” and “B” are correct.

First, I want to be clear that despite my comments on our dogs, I am not ACTUALLY an expert on animal sex habits. Although when my daughter was in kindergarten, the school district in its infinite wisdom decided that spring mating season would be the absolute best time to schedule a field trip to the zoo.

And so, I spent the entire zoo trip saying things like this to six-year-olds:

“Oh dear, the monkeys are wrestling! Let’s go see the kangaroos!”

“Huh, the kangaroos are playing leapfrog in slow motion! Let’s go see the hippos!”

And then, when we got to the hippos, they were doing this:

hippos

Thirty seconds after this picture was taken, it became a hippo porn movie. And so we decided it was time for a picnic lunch at the playground.

However, although no one asked about the mating habits of hippos, my sweet fellow blogger Bridget did want to know about bird sex. She asked, “Do birds get stuck while they’re flying? Do they sit down? How’s that work?”

Well Bridget, it depends on the species. In the case of storks, they don’t actually have sex. Humans bring them babies. It’s only fair.

Other species of birds, as I learned on BackyardNature.net, mate on the ground with male climbing on the female, and flapping his wings to keep from slipping off.  Either that or he’s really proud of himself. Interestingly, there are a couple of species exceptions to this. Swifts and swallows, which are in the bird mile-high club,  mate in midair.

Yes. Swifts and swallows. That’s what I said.

Go look at Bridget’s sweet angel face on her website, and remember — SHE IS THE ONE WHO ASKED ABOUT BIRD SEX.

Rene also had a nature question, although hers was G-rated. She wanted to know: “Where do butterflies go when it rains?”

Rene, that depends. Do you need to know this for small children? Small children that have been driving you crazy all day with whining and fighting and incessant questions?

If so, take them for a walk after it has rained. Point out the puddles on the street with shimmering colors reflected on them from the oil on the street. Say “Kids, isn’t that pretty? Like little rainbows on the puddles?”

And when they see the rainbows and comment on how pretty they are, drop your voice real low and whisper “those are melted baby butterflies who didn’t listen to their mommies.”

You’re welcome. Of course, if you are wondering for well-behaved children, the real answer is here: KidsButterfly.org.

Finally, Aunt Becky from Mommy Wants Vodka wanted to know something not at all related to the animal kingdom *or* sex, thank goodness.

She asked “Riddle me this: why do people on Twitter follow me only to unfollow me when I follow them back? QUESTION FOR THE AGES.”

Well, Riddler Aunt Becky, that is a tricky question. If you know the person, and you like them, you may want to give them the benefit of a doubt that perhaps Twitter is acting up and randomly unfollowed you on their behalf, and send them a friendly tweet like “Can you DM me the link to that genital wart treatment plan that worked for you? I would DM you but you’re not following me, silly!”

Or, if the person is one of the Twitter marketing “geniuses,” you can safely just assume they’re a douchebag and block them.

Then, there is a third possibility, one I hestitate to even mention because I would never react that way. But the person who unfollowed you *could*just be jealous of your excellent blogging skills and bitter that you are kicking their ass in the Funniest Blog Contest.

I hope the answers were helpful, Bridget, Rene and Aunt Becky. If I didn’t answer your question this time around either I will get to it soon, or I don’t have any idea.

Also, one more another loving reminder:
2009 BlogLuxe Awards
 You can vote every day. Come on, they will be narrowing it down to finalists soon.

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23 Responses to “The Birds and the Butterflies and Twitter Morons”

  1. denisequintana June 19, 2009 at 8:18 pm #

    “Swifts & Swallows…” ROFL!! Thanks, and remind me not to ask you any questions (must protect MY angelic image).

  2. RJ Flamingo June 19, 2009 at 8:43 pm #

    I made it known in my office that I would be spending next week in Sarasota. In my reminder e-mail I said, “Will miss you all terribly while lounging on the coast of the Gulf of Mexico.” Before the end of the day, I received no fewer than 6 warnings about swine flu.

    I guess my question is: How do otherwise intelligent, educated people survive?

  3. lettergirl June 19, 2009 at 8:47 pm #

    Renee, you are kidding. Please? No, you’re not, are you.

  4. RJ Flamingo June 19, 2009 at 8:48 pm #

    Plus, “those are melted baby butterflies who didn’t listen to their mommies.” Hilarious! Almost as funny as “wallabies being waterboarded in the bathroom” which still cracks me up, if I stop to think about it. Hahahahaha! Don’t tell Aunt Becky, but I voted for you… 🙂

  5. RJ Flamingo June 19, 2009 at 8:49 pm #

    No, not kidding. I swear.

  6. queenofhaddock June 19, 2009 at 9:08 pm #

    thanks for clearing that up for me…
    p.s. looks can be deceiving.

  7. Ron June 19, 2009 at 9:30 pm #

    Voted, so sad, your fans are not voting, I am so diappointed in them. Boo to those who have not voted, Hip hip hooray to those who followed thru and do not procrastinate. Wrestling monkeys, great stuff Dawn. Thanks for your comedy and I even loved you moonlighting on the atomic mom blog,she is not going to blow at 25.(total votes 136)

  8. Ron June 19, 2009 at 9:39 pm #

    Oops, correction,–disappointed. I am sad and I can not spell.

  9. Elle June 20, 2009 at 10:31 am #

    So sad about the bad butterflies. The zoo trip? Priceless!

  10. Ron June 20, 2009 at 7:10 pm #

    Helllloooooo, voted ( total votes 146) so sad, so sad, 😦

  11. lettergirl June 20, 2009 at 7:17 pm #

    Ron, don’t be sad. 146 is better than a lot of the blogs on there — and I really just started blogging. Top 5 would be awesome, so just keep voting if you will be so kind. =)

  12. Aunt Becky June 21, 2009 at 4:11 pm #

    Oh, I vote for you too. You rule.

    Your response to my question of the ages proves it.

  13. Ron June 21, 2009 at 4:56 pm #

    Aunt Becky is your formal name Rebecca, and is Isaac your husband, just wondering Auntie Beky.

  14. Kami Lewis Levin June 22, 2009 at 7:17 pm #

    Hey there,
    I particularly enjoyed the answer to stork sex because I too believe it is only fair. I’m also up for Funniest Blog and am out snooping around, checking out the competition…I really enjoyed reading your stuff and will continue to tell you as much. If you don’t mind.
    Kami

  15. Ron June 22, 2009 at 8:47 pm #

    Voted — 161 votes.

  16. Katy June 23, 2009 at 4:44 pm #

    Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say
    that I have really liked browsing your blog posts. Any way
    I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon!

  17. Ron Galvan June 24, 2009 at 12:31 am #

    voted- 164 -uncle

  18. Ron June 25, 2009 at 7:44 am #

    The official vote count is now -171

  19. Ron June 25, 2009 at 7:51 am #

    …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….——————————————————-The official vote count is now -171

  20. kristy - wheres my damn answer June 29, 2009 at 5:29 pm #

    I’ve been voting … there are some really funny folks in that panel. When is the cutoff? Can we tie in your guest post with us and have folks vote too?

  21. ingrid July 10, 2009 at 9:43 pm #

    🙂 I see I’ve missed a lot.

    I’d like it to be known that I voted for you many times and was bummed that you didn’t get your due. Next time! 🙂
    ~ingrid

  22. liberty July 18, 2009 at 4:45 pm #

    Wow. Kind of a shame that parents are still lying to their children even when all of the information and education you’d ever want is right at their fingertips now. It sure is a slippery slope from avoiding mating at the zoo to proselytizing abstinence-only education to 16-20 year olds.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Confessions, Part Three « The Ivey League - June 19, 2009

    […] & changes even though we don’t live close to each other anymore, and just recently I learned about bird sex. (Heh.)  I want to meet some of my “friends”, and I want them to become friends […]

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