Move Over, Ann Landers. Wait, you’re dead? AWKWARD.

15 Jun

For those keeping track at home, we’re beginning the second full week of summer vacation, complete with triple-digit temperatures which serve as a barometer of how loud the “I’m bored” whining will get.

And when they’re not whining, they’re asking things. Lots of things. Questions I was not aware I was going to get to answer this summer.

Upon the sad diagnosis of a beloved pet:

“Mom, when IS he going to die?”

“Can we get another dog?”

“It just feels like God hates me and what did I ever do to him?”

You see how they do that? Get me off-guard with the inappropriate inquiries and then deliver the sucker punch to the gut?

Of course, I try to give as measured, reasonable responses as I can about how even though God is loving and just, we live in a fallen world where sad things still happen. And we have deep theological debates about the nature of free will versus the question of why an omnipotent God allows the suffering of the innocent.

Unless the whining has been going on all morning. Then I just say “God is mad at you about a lot of things. But He told me He would let the dog live if you cleaned your room every morning without being asked and stopped fighting with your brother over the Wii. It’s all on you.”

No, of course I don’t say that. I’m kidding.

I tell them it’s because Daddy votes Republican.

Hahaha. Kidding again. Maybe.

When we aren’t tackling theology, we are tackling sex ed. Because, as my regular readers reader knows, the Jack Russell Terrier went into heat last week. And even though the corgis are both fixed and one of them is terminally ill, hope springs eternal. So one recent morning, I got this round of questions.

“Why are Tutter and Bailey stuck together?”

“If Tutter can’t make puppies, why is he doing that?”

And of course… the question of the hour: “Do you and Dad get stuck?”

I answered them all without my head exploding. Like this: 1) In the animal kingdom, that is how the dominant male ensures he will be the one to father the babies, by making sure no other males are also trying to get the female pregnant. 2) Because he and Bailey apparently ran off to Vegas and got married without telling us and 3) Would you like to go get some ice cream?

So as you can see, my question-answering skills are getting totally awesome. And you know, as much as I enjoy my children’s excellent inquiries, I’m a giver. Why should they get all my expertise?

So how about if *you* fire off some questions? Surely there’s some issue I can help you with. You can post it in the comments or email me at:

What’s that? You want to know if this is a ploy to get some blog topics and comments? Uh, would you like to go get some ice cream?

Also, you know that red button over there? You should lick on it and vote for me every day. Wait, I mean “click” on it. Although licking is fine if that’s what you do. I don’t judge. Either way, you should vote for me. If you do, God will make it cool off in San Antonio. No, really. It’s all on you.

14 Responses to “Move Over, Ann Landers. Wait, you’re dead? AWKWARD.”

  1. Natanya Anderson June 15, 2009 at 1:56 pm #

    After reading this I’m 100% convinced you can answer this question that’s been plaguing me for days:

    How do you get people who really do like and respect each other to place nice?

    Another version of this question is:

    Really? Did you have to word the e-mail that way? Did you leave your common sense at Starbucks this morning?

    I patiently await your wisdom 🙂

    (And if the answer has something to do with two dogs stuck together then all the better.)

  2. Kristen June 15, 2009 at 2:01 pm #

    thanks! you totally make my day, in a good way 🙂

    #1 thank god I only have boys
    #2 I have you to give me good answers so when the questions arise I will know what to say!

    You see I would totally tell them that it is up to them and if I catch them fighting again there will be hell to pay, or something not so eloquent as you. Now for the ice cream?

  3. Rene June 15, 2009 at 2:04 pm #

    Where do butterflies go when it rains?

  4. Bridget June 15, 2009 at 2:12 pm #

    Do birds get stuck while they’re flying? Do they sit down? How’s that work?

  5. RJ Flamingo June 15, 2009 at 3:10 pm #

    If I lick *and* click on the red button, will God make it cool off in Miami?

    If you get any good overflow questions/topic ideas, will you give them to me?

  6. Ron June 15, 2009 at 5:27 pm #

    Thank you for the fix. Smiling widely. I was about to send you a motivational speech to get my daily not going postal hit. Love it. I voted and it is already cooling off in DFW thank you very much, excellent work. I licked and got a funny look from my college son. He just walked out. Let’s see.
    Daddy !–high five with her hand extended palm up, I reach to slap her hand and she moves it away. too slow….nice( she just turned five).
    2)Sent my son a joke on facebook, all I get back is UR a funny guy.
    3) My other son only responds by text, correction responds to his friends by lines and lines of text, so I tried to text him and I get an — OK, hey how about a little love a little more info.—I get –k. I started calling his cell again and his cell phone message is “Hey send me a text.”
    My question” Why is it in a life of suffering and pain,doom and apocalypse of man made destruction , starvation and hate , and I think of brain cancer when I get chapped lips,when I seek distraction in work, football games,basketball/baseball stats and massive amounts of gambling , my boss and my kids , my neighbors and my wife ask me . Whats wrong ? and the lovely- Have a great day? Nothings wrong-why ,are my lips chapped.

  7. Ron June 15, 2009 at 5:35 pm #

    Great blog, thanks for the daily fix.
    Great questions from kids.
    How was your day?
    Did you have fun at work today?
    Hey Dad can I have twenty Bucks?
    Dad can I spend the night at ( another kids home) tonight ,my bestest friends will be there.

  8. Icy Blue June 15, 2009 at 10:40 pm #

    You just described my summer! what a shock! ha. Oh, the kid questions. What are we going to do today? asked at 5pm is always a favorite. And the late night What are the differences between all the different Christian religions? Then the over and over questions: Who is your worst Starwars character? Can we play Wii? Is it illegal to hunt whales everywhere? ha. and really, I couldn’t be more grateful. Just to know there are two little kiddos that ask *me* like I am worthy of being asked about life’s biggest stuff. I wish I had more answers. I wish that I wasn’t so frequently doing something else when they ask me questions. uh-oh- I think my PMS is colliding with this reply. 🙂
    Your post is wonderful, real, and sooo funny. Daddy voting Republican made me laugh in answer to why? why? why? Oh and last, but not least? Mommy, how did Jesus live as a kid since he knew everything since he’s God? How can he be God and God’s Son? That’s when I ask if they want ice cream.
    Mom of 2 ages 4and8 Most questions from 8yrold

  9. Aunt Becky June 16, 2009 at 11:47 am #

    Riddle me this: why do people on Twitter follow me only to unfollow me when I follow them back? QUESTION FOR THE AGES.

  10. amm408 June 16, 2009 at 4:01 pm #

    I don’t usually post a comment…there’s a reason I don’t have my own blog. However, I voted and I have no f’n idea how you do not have over a 1000 votes like some other blogs. I read the competition…I chuckled. They’re witty. But I DEFINITELY did not laugh out loud at work with tears streaming down my face taking deep breaths trying to calm down all the while frantically hoping that my boss doesn’t decide to pop by because clearly I wasn’t working and I don’t need to get fired in this economy. My dogs would starve. And maybe my husband too but I’m more worried about the dogs. That’s what happens when I read your blog which is now my criteria for funniest blog.

  11. Deb June 16, 2009 at 11:06 pm #

    If it makes you feel any better, this is what was going on in my house on Friday night, less than 24 hours after I got the girl. The male was suppose to be neutered.

    Not sure if we should throw a joey shower or not.

  12. Regina June 17, 2009 at 1:25 pm #

    My question, oh wise one:

    What do I do with the giant bowl of bread ties I found in my mothers pantry?

    Also, the even bigger bowl of rotted rubber bands.


  13. ingrid July 10, 2009 at 9:52 pm #

    Ha, that’s hilarious! Busy or not I really need to make certain I take a moment to read what you’re up too!


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