My life experiences to date have included voluntarily climbing into a pit of live rattlesnakes, rappelling down a cliff, seeing a child through 4 heart surgeries and producing 9 hours straight of live flood coverage without a break to pee WHILE PREGNANT.
None of them have in any way prepared me for the horror of trying to wrestle protective panties onto a Jack Russell terrier in heat.
Now before you start with the spay and neuter lecture: I know. Bailey went in for her surgical appointment on schedule, but there were issues with her blood work, and the vet wanted to wait until they cleared up. And while we were waiting, things happened. She does not leave the house without supervision, and the corgis are fixed.
We will not be contributing to the pet overpopulation problem. Put your freaking pitchforks down.
So, we are starting off our summer with an informational biology lesson. Unfortunately, Bailey will not sit still to watch the very special “Blossom” episode where Mayim Bialik learns all about the facts of life.
I would love to share that episode with you, but I can’t find it on You Tube. However, in this one, Blossom chair dances in the intro and then plots to go to a “Makeout Party” with her friend, Six. It also contains the following gems of comedy gold.
“This, this is premeditated kissing. That’s a lot of pressure.”
Also: “Andrea said that Mel put his tongue in her ear.”
But back to Bailey. She can’t watch “Blossom” because she’s too busy spending half her waking hours fighting off our corgi, Quince. Who yes, is a) neutered and b) the one with the terminal lymphoma.
Apparently he missed the memo about dying with dignity and is instead trying to cross “sex with a minor” off his bucket list. Bailey, not one to to outdone on the inappropriate futility scale, spends the other half of her waking hours trying to hump him back.
I’d love to relieve her boredom and take her for a trip to the dog park, but I saw that Jodie Foster movie, and I am not interested in re-enacting the bar scene from “The Accused” with dogs. So until this is over, she’ll have to amuse herself by tearing off her puppy panties, ripping them to shreds and stashing them under my bed.
At least she’s leaving my underwear alone for a change.