Wow, when I offered to answer the Internet’s problems Monday, some of you had some great questions. Some of you should probably seek professional help. And some of you? Both “A” and “B” are correct.
First, I want to be clear that despite my comments on our dogs, I am not ACTUALLY an expert on animal sex habits. Although when my daughter was in kindergarten, the school district in its infinite wisdom decided that spring mating season would be the absolute best time to schedule a field trip to the zoo.
And so, I spent the entire zoo trip saying things like this to six-year-olds:
“Oh dear, the monkeys are wrestling! Let’s go see the kangaroos!”
“Huh, the kangaroos are playing leapfrog in slow motion! Let’s go see the hippos!”
And then, when we got to the hippos, they were doing this:
Thirty seconds after this picture was taken, it became a hippo porn movie. And so we decided it was time for a picnic lunch at the playground.
However, although no one asked about the mating habits of hippos, my sweet fellow blogger Bridget did want to know about bird sex. She asked, “Do birds get stuck while they’re flying? Do they sit down? How’s that work?”
Well Bridget, it depends on the species. In the case of storks, they don’t actually have sex. Humans bring them babies. It’s only fair.
Other species of birds, as I learned on BackyardNature.net, mate on the ground with male climbing on the female, and flapping his wings to keep from slipping off. Either that or he’s really proud of himself. Interestingly, there are a couple of species exceptions to this. Swifts and swallows, which are in the bird mile-high club, mate in midair.
Yes. Swifts and swallows. That’s what I said.
Go look at Bridget’s sweet angel face on her website, and remember — SHE IS THE ONE WHO ASKED ABOUT BIRD SEX.
Rene also had a nature question, although hers was G-rated. She wanted to know: “Where do butterflies go when it rains?”
Rene, that depends. Do you need to know this for small children? Small children that have been driving you crazy all day with whining and fighting and incessant questions?
If so, take them for a walk after it has rained. Point out the puddles on the street with shimmering colors reflected on them from the oil on the street. Say “Kids, isn’t that pretty? Like little rainbows on the puddles?”
And when they see the rainbows and comment on how pretty they are, drop your voice real low and whisper “those are melted baby butterflies who didn’t listen to their mommies.”
You’re welcome. Of course, if you are wondering for well-behaved children, the real answer is here: KidsButterfly.org.
Finally, Aunt Becky from Mommy Wants Vodka wanted to know something not at all related to the animal kingdom *or* sex, thank goodness.
She asked “Riddle me this: why do people on Twitter follow me only to unfollow me when I follow them back? QUESTION FOR THE AGES.”
Well, Riddler Aunt Becky, that is a tricky question. If you know the person, and you like them, you may want to give them the benefit of a doubt that perhaps Twitter is acting up and randomly unfollowed you on their behalf, and send them a friendly tweet like “Can you DM me the link to that genital wart treatment plan that worked for you? I would DM you but you’re not following me, silly!”
Or, if the person is one of the Twitter marketing “geniuses,” you can safely just assume they’re a douchebag and block them.
Then, there is a third possibility, one I hestitate to even mention because I would never react that way. But the person who unfollowed you *could*just be jealous of your excellent blogging skills and bitter that you are kicking their ass in the Funniest Blog Contest.
I hope the answers were helpful, Bridget, Rene and Aunt Becky. If I didn’t answer your question this time around either I will get to it soon, or I don’t have any idea.