Dear Hanes

30 May

Dear Hanes:

Look, the “inspector number 27” tags in the underwear were kind of endearing. But now, I see they are accompanied by a second sticker that says “Team 4.”

Really? REALLY? It takes a whole team of inspectors to see if my underwear are up to your rigorous quality control standards?

What, are they too big for one inspector? Is that a fat joke? I am working on it, jerks. We can’t all be built like Michael Jordan.

Oh and does that mean a whole team of people have had their possibly germy, grubby hands all over my undergarments? I feel violated. It takes a village to raise a child, Hanes. It does not take a team to inspect underpants. Now your slogan about “Wait ’til we get our Hanes on you” is creeping me the hell out.

And who are these inspectors? Do you screen them for possible fetishes? Check them against the National Underwear Molester database? This “Team 4” sticker has opened up a whole new panty panic paranoia for me.

Where’s the bleach?

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11 Responses to “Dear Hanes”

  1. tricia May 30, 2009 at 11:18 am #

    “Panty Panic” should be the name of your autobiography. Or an indie band.

  2. RJ Flamingo May 30, 2009 at 11:28 am #

    Well, geez, when you put it that way… ick.

  3. dawn May 30, 2009 at 12:04 pm #

    let’s hope their hands are clean when inspecting…

  4. Katwmn May 30, 2009 at 1:16 pm #

    Ew! Just…ew!

  5. Elle May 30, 2009 at 1:46 pm #

    Damn. It’s a panty conspiracy!

  6. Becky May 30, 2009 at 2:12 pm #

    Dude. It *so* makes you hot.

  7. Monica (peapodsquadmom) May 31, 2009 at 11:56 am #

    this is EXACTLY why i just nominated you for funniest blog for the BlogLuxe Awards. good luck!

  8. Cathy - wheresmydamnanswer May 31, 2009 at 8:12 pm #

    So funny and yet disturbing on so many levels!!

  9. Jack Bauer May 31, 2009 at 10:42 pm #

    Mr. President, I give you my word – I can go commando, enter Hanes covertly and take out Team 4. Their security is sagging and the situation is elastic. I’ll return and brief you before you can say “Nancy Pelosi’s granny panties.”

  10. Maria June 1, 2009 at 2:44 pm #

    I am so not first. Haha.

    Also, only post?! Look, you’re nominated for an award! That is awesome.

  11. ingrid June 1, 2009 at 8:57 pm #

    Ah, man, that is kinda creepy!

    Congrats on the nomination! Where do I go an vote for ya? Guess I’ll see if that button leads somewhere. Good luck!
    ~ingrid

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