Recession Lip Plumpers

18 May

First, I’m not bi-polar, I’m just complicated. Expect the blog to reflect as such while I deal with the whole beloved dog + incurable cancer = basket case equation. Your kind comments really blow me away, and I thank you. The forecast is for a stiff upper lip with periodic bouts of silliness.

Speaking of lips, I have a complex about mine

I blame two three people for this. First, the “makeup artist” at the Dillard’s Estee Lauder counter in Abilene, Texas who told me “your lips are so unusual. The top one is a little bigger than the bottom one.”

First of all, lady, you were a working at the Dillard’s in Abilene. I’m really not sure why I gave you this mantle of cosmetic authority, being that the Abilene Dillard’s is not, in retrospect, the mecca for budding makeup artists. No offense to Abilene, a lovely city where I was in fact, in the Junior League.

I know, y’all. Let that sink in.

However, makeup lady, because of your amazed pronouncement about my freakishly malformed lips, I have spent decades lining my lower lip just outside the lip line and putting a dab of shiny gloss right in the middle to trick the eye. Thank you very much.

Also in college, a classmate who is now an esteemed and respected professor at my Alma Mater, but who then went by the alias “Vick Velvet,” asked my fiance “what’s it like kissing those little chicken lips?” Ever since, I have been searching for the perfect lip-plumping lip gloss because I was scarred for life. The pain has outlasted the student loans, even.

By the way,  Mr. Velvet. My Dyson doesn’t have Angelina Jolie lips either. But it works just fine.

Now, I said three people were responsible for my lip paranoia. Person three would be my husband, who was then the fiance who was clueless enough to tell me about the chicken lips comment. But guess what? He is not reading this paragraph. Because he died when he read the vacuum sentence.

His last words were “I can’t believe you went there on the interne…”

Now that you understand the deep psychological scarring, you’ll understand why I eagerly try each and every brand of lip plumper I can get my hands on. Sure, I could go the collagen route. But needles in the mouth? No. Thank. You.

This weekend, I found myself in Ulta, admiring their two-for-one sale that included the Ultimate Pout Lip Plumper.  And of course, admiring = buying.

And because I like to share, I will utilize my sparkly new camera/fancy tripod/wrinkly pillowcase product showcase set up and show the pretty lip glosses to you.

Ulta Lip Plumper

See? So pretty. I tried the paler one called “Glisten.” Which is appropriate, because that is what my eyes started doing about 15 seconds in as the “plumping action” started working. Then I tried to rub it off my mouth and got some in a paper cut on my index finger, and then someone called 9-1-1 thinking a wallaby was being waterboarded in our bathroom.

However, I lived, and would like to report that the gloss sure does plump.

I know it’s a recession, though, and the Ultimate Pout Lip Plumper is $12.50. So I am now going to offer you 5 cheaper ways to get the same searing effect and sexy pout.

1) Go to the zoo and french kiss an anteater.

2)  Sit on the third base line and get hit in the mouth by a foul ball.

3) Stick your mouth into a nest of angry bees.

4) Suck off a habanero pepper.

5) Leave a comment and a valid email, and maybe you will win the other unopened lip gloss, a pretty coral shade called “Bella.” Because I know times are tough, and I care.  Also, I am not putting that stuff on my mouth again.

I would send you the “Glisten,” tube too, but it has wallaby spit on it and there are interstate regulations about that.

————————-

For real, I will send the unopened lip gloss to a commenter chosen at random by putting the comment numbers in a hat or something and making my kids draw. If you want it, be sure to leave a real email so I can get your address. Also, get some therapy — because seriously, that stuff HURTS. I’ll draw on Friday.

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34 Responses to “Recession Lip Plumpers”

  1. SB's Bea May 18, 2009 at 4:19 pm #

    I had a friend cry when she tried my DuWop Lip Venom. I didn’t think that it did anything for me, and I don’t know why I bought it anyway, I think my lips are freakishly large. LOL

    BTW…you and pups are in my thoughts. Truly. I am sorry.

  2. Elle May 18, 2009 at 4:27 pm #

    I’m in! And you do not have chicken lips. That idiot had no freaking clue what he was talking about. Vick Velvet? What kind of skank/pimp name is that?? eeeew.

  3. Denise May 18, 2009 at 4:30 pm #

    Lmao…will a jalapeno do the trick?

  4. Eeyore May 18, 2009 at 4:44 pm #

    There are so many genius lines in this post, I don’t know where to begin. They’re made even more geniuser by our common Church of Christedness.

    A Dyson, huh?

  5. leah May 18, 2009 at 5:14 pm #

    i have a little top lip so i guess i should try and “plump” it up. my granddaughters name is bella so i really think i should win, wink! seriously, it hurt? either way i’m in, lol

  6. RJ Flamingo May 18, 2009 at 5:42 pm #

    I…. can’t…. stop…. laughing…………………………….. long enough……. to……..type…. anything……..that….. makes….. any…… sense…… at……..all……………………..
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!

    AHEM… sorry… ahem…. ahem…. umm, I’ve got some Biker Billy jalapenos in the garden that could probably do the trick, or maybe the bird peppers, thanks. In fact, I think, if you read the ingredients list, you’ll probably find some pepper or another as the active ingredient…

    “…a wallaby was being waterboarded in our bathroom.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

    Ahem…. Sorry…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

  7. Jen May 18, 2009 at 5:46 pm #

    LMAO!!
    Vick Velvet, I am with Elle, wtf kind of name is that. Stupid Estee Lauder woman, what does she know anyway!

    Dawn, you are in my prayers. hugs to you!

  8. armymamma May 18, 2009 at 7:16 pm #

    I choked on my tea when I read the Dyson sentence. Choked again when I got to the waterboarded wallaby part. Thanks for the laugh!

  9. feefifoto May 18, 2009 at 8:07 pm #

    Whoa — you make it so appealing, how can I resist? I’m entering and I hope I win, for the sake of my sister’s mother-in-law, on whom I will bestow this absolutely lovely gift.

    Maybe it’ll shut her up for a few minutes.

  10. RJ Flamingo May 18, 2009 at 8:52 pm #

    Okay….HAHAHAHAHAH!!!… Seriously…..HAHAHAH! …. I have to stop reading this over and over again and out loud to my husband (just the last half – no need to put images of Dysons in his head)… HAHAHAHAH!!!! …. I’m in danger of injuring myself….HAHAHAHAHA!!! ….. ->smurkle choke gasp snort!<-

  11. Regina May 18, 2009 at 9:33 pm #

    You.Are.A.Treasure!

    I too have tried many many different plumpers. As I have aged and *gasp*smoked I have noticed my already thin lips have shriveled….and wrinkled. The last one was called “Sexy Mother Pucker”. I am 47 and I don’t think this product was marketed for me. It smells like cotton and feels like gooey vaseline. SAVE ME.

  12. Jlhpisces May 18, 2009 at 9:57 pm #

    lololol this post made my day – just what does a waterboarded wallaby sound like? 🙂 If I win, maybe I’ll find out!

  13. Ron May 19, 2009 at 5:56 am #

    You look marvelous. Funny story.

  14. nancy May 19, 2009 at 11:04 am #

    too funny gotta try this stuff

  15. Mo May 19, 2009 at 11:09 am #

    If it burns, it must totally work. I used to love that Lip Fusion stuff, but it doesn’t seem to work anymore so I’m always on the hunt for a new one.

    Besides, beauty is pain.

  16. colleenpence May 19, 2009 at 11:09 am #

    I experienced #2 and lived to tell about it although I was playing shortstop at the time (and I’ll let THAT sink in). It was only the third time in my entire life that I attempted to participate in organized sports– the other two times ending up pretty much the same (1st time broke a finger catching a softball, 2nd time pulled a groin muscle while bowling. BOWLING IS DANGEROUS. Who knew?). Now I stick to sports I’m good at like eating and sex. ‘Cause if you break a sweat, I’m totally calling it a sport.

    And, if you’re looking to add to your list of how to plump lips, try getting your wisdom teeth pulled. Worked wonders for me, although it also plumped every other part of my face so that I walked around looking like Eric Stoltz in Mask for a week, but hey my lips were plump.

  17. jill May 19, 2009 at 1:09 pm #

    I also am curious about what a waterboarded wallaby sounds like. Can you do a vlog and let us hear?

    Thanks for the laugh!

    note from Dawn: Jill, got your email. Editing it out of the post so you won’t get spamorama! =)

  18. Jessi May 19, 2009 at 8:10 pm #

    Ok…they have a random number generator on-line…ps I find it slightly pathetic that I keep up with you on your blog rather than real life. Let’s you me and Julie have lunch, dinner or coffee when summer starts…no kids!

  19. ingrid May 20, 2009 at 12:46 pm #

    oh, geez! Totally reminded me of when my genius brother put his lips in this tiny cup-ish shape thing that was part of a toy and his lips swelled and got stuck! When my parents got the top off OH MY GOODNESS his lips were HUGE! LOL!

    Thanks for the laugh! I’ve naturally go full lips (thx, mom!dad!) so feel free to torture, I mean gift someone else! 🙂
    ~ingrid

  20. ERICKA May 20, 2009 at 1:00 pm #

    Oh too funny. I have tried plenty of these things. The only thing that works really well…..is a good makeout session with my husband.

  21. staciesmadness May 20, 2009 at 3:09 pm #

    omfg, you are hilarious.

  22. Ann H. May 21, 2009 at 10:27 am #

    OMG!!! I think everyone in my office poped up when I started laughing about the bathroom incident! That was so freaking funny!

    Thanks for laugh!
    God Bless!

  23. Mary May 22, 2009 at 4:13 am #

    I’m just wondering if Vick or any of the rest of the crew have read this. This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read from you. Considering I’ve been reading your stuff over a span of 20+ years, that’s something.

    If I win, I will give this to my 11-year-old daughter because I would prefer that lip gloss (and any make-up) be painful so she will not want to use it. Kind of like the entire “you shaved WHAT?” conversation we had yesterday. (just for you pervs out there …. it was her toes. Go figure.) So she would be pleasantly surprised and think I’ve lost my mind if I give her such an item. I will record the waterboarded wallaby sound.

    Thanks in advance for picking me. Pick me! Pick me!

  24. Monica (peapodsquadmom) May 22, 2009 at 11:29 am #

    i’m commenting because a) you said on twitter not to and i’m a rebel like that, b) i wanted to thank you for the big belly laugh this post induced and c) to tell you that waterboarding wallabies is torture and against the geneva convention, so knock it off.

    please do NOT send me the lip puffer potion. i have tried it and thought my lips would burn off. angelina can keep her title. ((sure wish she’d share brad for like an hour or two, though))

  25. producernicole May 22, 2009 at 11:30 am #

    I bought that DuWop Lip Venom and let my mom and aunt try it out. They quickly reached for tissues to wipe it off. I didn’t mind it much – I thought it was a little cinnamony. Now, whenever I put on lip gloss, they ask if it’s “that stuff that makes you want to rip your lips off.” These are the same ladies who taught me that getting pretty is sometimes a pain.

  26. Matt Stigliano May 22, 2009 at 11:33 am #

    I can’t say I wear lip gloss or even worry much about my lips (I barely can be forced to use chapstick), but this has to be my favorite article of today (and it’s not my first either). I’m still laughing about the Dyson/dead husband bit. Genius! P.S. You can keep me in the contest, perhaps my wife would love the scorching pain you’ve so eloquently described.

  27. Bre May 22, 2009 at 11:35 am #

    I’m so very interested in this plumper that causes searing pain. I’m not (too terribly) sadistic or anything, but I figure that if it’s not hurting, it’s not working (applies to 80-90% of my day-to-day situations).
    Lip Venom, Buxom Whatever (BareEscentuals), and the others I’ve tried have only given me a mild tingle in those face parts… I feel that if this one hurts like fire, it may be the one to plump my mouth up, and I may be well on my way to becoming one of the Real Housewives of SAT.

  28. Heather May 22, 2009 at 11:43 am #

    I tried that DuWop and received nary a tingle.

    If the hands of fate choose my number, I would love to smear that Ulta plumper on my chicken lips.

    How does a waterboarded wallaby sound exactly?

  29. Ed May 22, 2009 at 12:02 pm #

    I never noticed anything wrong with your lips. And personally I think Angelina HO-lie (yes I said Ho) Looks like she got her lips caught in a pool drain! Yes I stold the “pool drain” line from Rob Reiner in “First Wives Club”. BFD! It works and it’s accurate! By the way thanks for making me choke and spit pepsi all over my sleeper! It’s a good thing I am going home so I can wash my comforter. LMAO! Keep the laughs coming! You & your pooch are still in my prayers.

  30. Katherine May 22, 2009 at 12:14 pm #

    I left a comment, and I swear if it doesn’t show up I’m beating the hell out of this PC.

    Kat

  31. Katherine May 22, 2009 at 12:17 pm #

    Obviously it didn’t.

    So, I will try to remember what I said.

    First of all, I came over to thank you for your wonderful comments on my “You Can No Longer be a SAHM When…” post. You are truly encouraging, and you’ve no idea how much I appreciate it.

    Then, I noticed that you had a giveaway going on. I began thinking about how nice it would be to find something like this in the bottom of my purse while digging for my last bit of spare change. lol

    So, I’m entered.

    Have a good day! Also, I can’t believe I didn’t know your blog existed before this. It’s amazing, and I’m adding it to my blog roll!

    Thanks!

    Katherine

    @theatomicmommy on twitter

  32. Foodycat May 23, 2009 at 3:09 am #

    The wallaby being waterboarded line is the funniest thing I have read in months! That’s hilarious.

  33. Tracey May 27, 2009 at 2:38 pm #

    I bought some lip plumper and my lips started this tingling/stinging business. I thought maybe I was allergic to it. I made my husband try it 😉 It happened to him, too. Now that I am used to the feeling it almost feels good when I put it on now. Is that weird?

  34. Tracey May 27, 2009 at 2:39 pm #

    I forgot to add that one of my daughter’s middle name is Bella. So surely you must pick me 😉

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