Signs of the Apocalypse, Part II

29 Apr

As if the plague of Swine Flu is not enough, look what is in the neighbors’ yard right this minute.

Giant Lizard

A GIANT LIZARD. I am pretty sure it eats babies. And has probably HAD babies, come to think of it. And come to think of it some more, those babies will probably descend en masse on the house tonight , dropping down through the vents and crawling around on me while I am sleeping.

At least that is what I am going to imagine is happening every time I hear a noise.

Because SERIOUSLY this lizard is at least a foot long, and it is just sitting out in the yard like he owns the place. Every child in the neighborhood is gathered around it, and it’s assessing them like they’re the buffet at Golden Corral.

I am screaming helpful advice like “DO NOT POKE THE LIZARD WITH YOUR SONIC STRAW! NO!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T PUT THE STRAW BACK IN YOUR DRINK!!!”

Now, the last time I checked, we did not live in an area populated by giant baby-eating lizards, so this one probably came up from Mexico and is carrying Swine Flu.

We are all going to die, Internet. Hold me.

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14 Responses to “Signs of the Apocalypse, Part II”

  1. MrsMessiness April 29, 2009 at 3:34 pm #

    I just showed this to Bella and she said it is obviously an alligator and you should move right away. She says you shouldn’t even pack any of your stuff, because that alligator probably walked all over all of your stuff and got alligator poop all over everything, because alligators walk around with their own poop on their feet.

    She also said “HEY why do THEY get to go to Sonic!?”.

    She has absolutely no tact.

  2. lettergirl April 29, 2009 at 3:36 pm #

    Bella: Can we have pizza for dinner? We will be there by 6. Please tell your mom to put candles in the pizza since it’s our anniversary. Thx!

  3. Becky April 29, 2009 at 4:09 pm #

    ACK!

  4. Mary Brandyberry April 29, 2009 at 4:55 pm #

    At least he was kind enough to smile for the camera.

  5. RJ Flamingo April 29, 2009 at 5:34 pm #

    Don’t panic, gurl! I think it’s some variety of bearded dragon. Lizard/iguana family. Somebody’s pet got loose. I’m pretty sure it’ll only eat bugs, not babies, so you should probably welcome his visit… at least for a little while…

  6. Saoirse April 29, 2009 at 7:46 pm #

    Dear Lettergirl,

    You are truly one of my fav bloggers ever. Like ever ever ever. I swear I’m not a stalker either, I just have developed an instant adoration for you and your blog. Here, have a piece of muffin cake (there’s orange zest and cranberries in it!).

    In respect for your sensibilities, I won’t even coo over the lizard despite how adorable it is.

  7. ingrid April 29, 2009 at 8:39 pm #

    Oh, my gosh, living in Florida there is always things creeping around and during heavy rains they look for higher dryer grounds. There aren’t any except in your HOUSE! I especially hate bugs.
    ~ingrid

  8. Ed April 29, 2009 at 11:22 pm #

    Call me when you run over three or four 2 ft. water moccasins (poisonous snakes) with a lawn mower! LOL!!

  9. Elle April 30, 2009 at 2:45 pm #

    Well I’d be no help. If I was there, you’d have also been able to post a pic of me, passed out near the lizard.

  10. KitchenWitch April 30, 2009 at 5:03 pm #

    Yes, that’s a bearded dragon, and quite tame if he let you get that close without his throat puffing up and turning black. Highly doubtful he’s carrying Swine Flu. Salmonella, perhaps, but not flu. That’s somebody’s baby, and he’s lost.

  11. Katwmn April 30, 2009 at 5:40 pm #

    Relax…it’s just a Bearded Dragon – they eat bugs, not babies. My daughter used to have one named Godzilla and he was quite a good pet…although the thought of you staying up all night waiting for the baby monsters to fall from your heat vents makes me smile…in an evil way…I’m easily amused.

  12. LGV May 1, 2009 at 10:17 am #

    Silly Girl… it’s just a bearded dragon – and they only eat the naughty children. (The quandry: is it just arriving or leaving your neighborhood?)

    I rather prefer my by-line of your having adopted a chupacabra.

  13. Kat May 2, 2009 at 9:27 am #

    You should move.

    Immediately.

  14. Jelly May 2, 2009 at 5:34 pm #

    Yes, my friend keeps one as a pet, and feeds it baby mice – not baby babies.

    Don’t think you have much to worry about unless it has been eating pork right?

    I’ll bring my dog over, he loves chasing lizards into swimming pools so they drown. He’s a nice dog, it’s just natural selection.

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