So, when you sent me the “friend request” a couple of weeks ago, I was a little startled, since you know, I don’t know you?
But I checked out the profile, you had a sweet profile picture with your lovely wife, your status said you were thanking God for a beautiful day, you listed your religious affiliation as Pentecostal Christian, and you were a fan of “24” and Sarah Palin.
And you know, I also thank God for beautiful days. Although he is not in my profile picture, I have a lovely husband. I love Jesus.
And I love “24.”
Oh, Hello, Jack. How did you get in this post?
*Ahem* Where was I?
Oh yes, and Sarah Palin. I was willing to be open-minded about Sarah Palin. Although, I will say, EVERY FREAKING TIME a random man tries to pick me up on Facebook, they are ALWAYS fans of Sarah Palin. This concerns me a little. Since I have some significant differences with the esteemed Governor of Alaska.
I do not say “you betcha.” I can name more than one Supreme Court case. I named my children while sober.
But apparently, we attract the same demographic. So watch out. I may run in 2012. I’m starting an exploratory committee.
But Facebook man, this is not about me, this is about you. As I say, I was willing to assume the best.
You posted 100+ pictures of your wedding. I commented on the lovely ceremony.
Then yesterday morning, the little Facebook chat window popped up.
“Hi, yourself! Great wedding pics!”
“Thanks! I like your pictures, too. You have mesmerizing eyes.”
RED FLAG #1. I attempt deflection.
“Thanks, that’s sweet. How’s the paramedic business?” *don’tbeafreak, don’tbeafreak *
“It’s ok, but I’d rather be home laying around nekkid. LOL. Maybe I’d take a few pictures.”
“I have some on my phone right now — I like to show my spunky side.”
“…and from your profile pictures, it looks like you’re pretty hooteriffic.”
“Uh, I’m blocking you now.”
So to review, Facebook guy. Apparently, “Pentecostal Christian” in this particular case was code for “I like to handle my snake a lot.”
Also, I am not interested in seeing your “spunky side.” Also, ewwwwwwwww.
And I don’t know about in North Carolina, but I do not generally see “hooterrific” as a persuasive compliment. Also, my Facebook pictures are all head and shoulders shots. There are no hooters in evidence.
Although yes, actually they are fairly awesome. Not that you will ever know, honey. I do not celebrate Nekkid Thursday. Not publicly.
Finally, nekkid dude. I am not sure if you noticed as you were scanning my profile pictures looking for signs of hooterrificness, but I do write a blog.
If for some reason you can’t take a hint and contact me again, I *am* going to tell you to go ahead and send those pictures. Then, with some strategic blocking that I am sure will be small, I will happily share them with the rest of the internet. You’re welcome.
So Not Interested in Your Spunky Side