Dear Facebook Dude Celebrating “Nekkid Thursday”

17 Apr

So, when you sent me the “friend request” a couple of weeks ago,  I was a little startled, since you know, I don’t know you?

But I checked out the profile, you had a sweet profile picture with your lovely wife, your status said you were thanking God for a beautiful day, you listed your religious affiliation as Pentecostal Christian, and you were a fan of “24” and Sarah Palin.

And you know, I also thank God for beautiful days. Although he is not in my profile picture, I have a lovely husband. I love Jesus.

And I love “24.”

jackbauer

Oh, Hello, Jack. How did you get in this post?

*Ahem* Where was I?

Oh yes, and Sarah Palin. I was willing to be open-minded about Sarah Palin. Although, I will say, EVERY FREAKING TIME a random man tries to pick me up on Facebook, they are ALWAYS fans of Sarah Palin. This concerns me a little. Since I have some significant differences with the esteemed Governor of Alaska. 

I do not say “you betcha.” I can name more than one Supreme Court case. I named my children while sober.

But apparently, we attract the same demographic. So watch out. I may run in 2012. I’m starting an exploratory committee.

But Facebook man, this is not about me, this is about you. As I say, I was willing to assume the best.

You posted 100+ pictures of your wedding. I commented on the lovely ceremony.

Then yesterday morning, the little Facebook chat window popped up.

“Hi!”

“Hi, yourself! Great wedding pics!”

“Thanks! I like your pictures, too. You have mesmerizing eyes.”

RED FLAG #1. I attempt deflection.

“Thanks, that’s sweet. How’s the paramedic business?” *don’tbeafreak, don’tbeafreak *

“It’s ok, but I’d rather be home laying around nekkid. LOL. Maybe I’d take a few pictures.”

*ohhellyouareafreak*

“I have some on my phone right now — I like to show my spunky side.”

“…and from your profile pictures, it looks like you’re pretty hooteriffic.”

“Uh, I’m blocking you now.”

So to review, Facebook guy. Apparently, “Pentecostal Christian” in this particular case was code for “I like to handle my snake a lot.”

Also, I am not interested in seeing your “spunky side.” Also, ewwwwwwwww.

And I don’t know about in North Carolina, but I do not generally see “hooterrific” as a persuasive compliment. Also, my Facebook pictures are all head and shoulders shots. There are no hooters in evidence. 

Although yes, actually they are fairly awesome. Not that you will ever know, honey. I do not celebrate Nekkid Thursday. Not publicly.

Finally, nekkid dude. I am not sure if you noticed as you were scanning my profile pictures looking for signs of hooterrificness, but I do write a blog.

If for some reason you can’t take a hint and contact me again, I *am* going to tell you to go ahead and send those pictures. Then, with some strategic blocking that I am sure will be small, I will happily share them with the rest of the internet. You’re welcome.

Sincerely,

So Not Interested in Your Spunky Side

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36 Responses to “Dear Facebook Dude Celebrating “Nekkid Thursday””

  1. kellypea April 17, 2009 at 9:23 am #

    Of course NOW my coffee is all over my Mac. Feeling a bit confused that I’ve never heard about Nekkid Thursday before. Where have I been?

  2. Jack Bauer April 17, 2009 at 9:39 am #

    Don’t make me come to NC and interrogate you, Mr. Spunky…

  3. mayopie April 17, 2009 at 9:40 am #

    I’m not sure about Nekkid Thursday, but Sarah Palin is awesome and I find myself equally intrigued by you. We should go out or something, maybe on a Thursday.

  4. shaye3 April 17, 2009 at 9:40 am #

    Do you think his Nekkid Thursday is anything like the Meatless Monday that I’ve heard so much about?

  5. Debi Friedlander April 17, 2009 at 9:47 am #

    Perfect! *applause*

    Now how do I subscribe to this blog?

  6. Kathie April 17, 2009 at 9:49 am #

    How can you pass up charming lines like “hooterific” and “spunky side”? He is obviously quite a catch.

  7. ingrid April 17, 2009 at 9:49 am #

    Oh, shoot! LOL, I’m sorry I shouldn’t laugh but really you tell the best stories….glad to hear that the craziness just doesn’t happen to me.
    ~ingrid

  8. Eeyore April 17, 2009 at 9:51 am #

    Hooterific. Hm. You should lose points every time you add -rific or -alicious to any psuedonym for a female body part.

    Bootyrific
    Boobalicious

    That’s all I got..

  9. Elle April 17, 2009 at 10:17 am #

    Do you think a really hot shower will clean the ICK out of my brain?

    What a freak!

  10. amy lozano April 17, 2009 at 10:40 am #

    crazy, crazy, crazy… the nekkid guy and his hooterific mentality…. gee, i wish he would send pics…. I want another blog about him.

  11. Jlhpisces April 17, 2009 at 10:50 am #

    It is kind of horrifying how often the nicest-seeming people that you friend on Facebook will send you the CREEPIEST chats imaginable. 🙂

  12. Tricia April 17, 2009 at 11:11 am #

    I hope he bookmarked your blog and is reading this hilarific post.

    Perv.

  13. RuthWells April 17, 2009 at 11:14 am #

    LOVE IT. (Remind me never to piff you off, lol!)

  14. Regina April 17, 2009 at 12:07 pm #

    I was trying to decide if I should broaden my horizon and befriend more people on facebook. I think you gave me my answer, THANKS!!!

    ps: you ARE pretty boobrific, um…or was that hooterlicious…. you know what I mean!

  15. Ed April 17, 2009 at 12:23 pm #

    Your wit has never and apparently will never cease to amaze and entertain me. GO GIRL! Oh by the way I believe it was Lewis Grizzard who wrote that Nude and Naked are for when you are not wearing any clothes. “Nekkid” is when you are not wearing any clothes and you are up to something.

  16. okisoccermom April 17, 2009 at 2:29 pm #

    OMG … how do you clean coffee with cream from your computer screen? My coffee just graced my computer screen, through my nose I might add. That was a great post … still laughing. I add a double ewww for the spunky side, and thank God for the blocking mechanism.

  17. queenofhaddock April 17, 2009 at 2:32 pm #

    Just for the record, I’ll vote for you in 2012.

    Thanks for yet another LOL moment.

  18. Foodycat April 17, 2009 at 3:41 pm #

    I quite like “You betcha”. It reminds me of Frances McDormond in Fargo.

    Can you find naked pentecostal guy’s wife’s facebook page and let her in on his antics?

  19. dawn April 17, 2009 at 4:39 pm #

    ewwwwww!
    (I can’t say much more than ewww, sorry)

  20. JennC April 17, 2009 at 5:05 pm #

    Oh, you’re a hoot. Thanks for that.

  21. Tami Lyn April 17, 2009 at 11:19 pm #

    Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.

    I just about peed my pants while reading this. And if he is saying “nekkid” you so know he is from the south. and when he says ‘spunky side’, well, you KNOW what he’s talking about. Ewwwww

  22. Mary April 20, 2009 at 4:27 am #

    HHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

    that’s all i’ve got on this.

    block away, baby, block away.

  23. Jelly April 20, 2009 at 5:20 am #

    Awesome. Thank you so much for sharing that.

    I hope he contacts you again, I am all for the public embarrassment.

  24. Bill April 20, 2009 at 7:59 am #

    Guys will be…
    Guys will be disgusting and weird sometimes.
    You can see the church zealot a mile away when they cannot say words like naked, breasts, or Pen … ok even I feel uncomfortable with that one

  25. Julie April 20, 2009 at 8:23 am #

    That’s hilarious! I never have that much fun on facebook 😛

  26. CJ April 20, 2009 at 11:24 am #

    And here I thought I was the only one to get FaceBook crazies!! Ha ha, that is hilarious! I would copy the conversation and send it to his wife!!!

  27. LGV April 20, 2009 at 1:11 pm #

    After just returning from an extended guys-weekend in Vegas… your FB-Nekkid-Thursday-Dude is more disturbing than anything I saw, drank or did.

  28. Susan Price April 22, 2009 at 1:58 pm #

    Thanks so much for this (though i did get liquid in my nose through reverse snortage).

    For more Fun with Facebook in the Alamo City (San Antonio), check out the SA chapter of the Social Media Club, Social Media Breakfasts, and we’re doing Facebook as the brownbag lunch topic at Firecat Studio’s First Friday this coming May 1. DM @firecatsue for more info on the brownbag or the other groups.

  29. LoLa April 22, 2009 at 3:47 pm #

    oh dear god, is the guy from North Carolina? I think I know him…of course, I’m kidding, but I do have a better chance of running into him since I’m here, too. You should post his name to save the rest of us!

  30. RJ Flamingo April 22, 2009 at 10:14 pm #

    And this boys and girls, is why I haven’t joined Facebook. Yeeeesh!

  31. John Sullivan April 23, 2009 at 11:42 am #

    Hi from over by Lackland just wanted to say hello and that I enjoyed your posts.Nice blog
    Have an awesome day 🙂

  32. Andrea July 5, 2009 at 9:02 am #

    Ok two very important rules before reading these blogs:
    1. Always go pee first!!
    2. Don’t drink anything while reading!!(it can be almost as dangerous as drinking and driving)
    I love reading this blog but not until number 1 is finished.lol

  33. ally July 19, 2009 at 10:06 am #

    *points to Andrea’s post*

    What she said. Oh gawd how I needed that laugh. I just found this place, is it always like this? You really should post a “pee first” warning on the front page. Seriously woman. 😛

  34. Mr. Spunky August 3, 2009 at 5:31 pm #

    You know, the offer still stands any time your hooterificness wants to chill

  35. Eric August 4, 2009 at 5:45 pm #

    I laughed. What a great post.

    “Hooterific” is awesome. I can’t imagine I’d ever be brave enough to use it. Any girl I’d say that to would certainly hit me. And I’d deserve it.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Don’t Go Away Mad, Just Go Away « Not Going Postal - July 15, 2009

    […] posts people seem to like the most around here are the one about my Facebook Friend who wanted to get nekkid, the one about my dogs on Twitter, and the sentimental one about our participation in the Martin […]

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