Friday Postcards From the Edge

3 Apr

Dear Quiznos:

I am not ever going be able to order the Toasty Torpedo.  Because I get the feeling after watching your new commercial that it just doesn’t like me that way. It’s in some kind of weird threesome with Scott the chef and the hot glowing oven. Phrases that should never be in a fast-food commercial: “Put it in me, Scott.” 

On the other hand, I say to Sonic all the time. “I wish I knew how to quit you.” So maybe the Brokeback Mountain Advertising strategy is not so far out there.

Longingly Yours,
Confused Consumer

Dear Mom,

Get your dickeys out, it’s National Cleavage Day. I’d celebrate, but since you made me completely boob-paranoid by sewing  little lace dickeys across the neckline of any v-neck shirt I owned, or adding an extra totally obvious snap, I’m already wearing a cami. However, you should totally go help Jenny at The Blogess. She’s having a total rack attack. You may need to bring snaps and a dickey.

Got You Covered

 Dear Precious Gifts from Jesus,

I have a few more things to add to the growing list of “Things You Are Not Allowed to Do While Mom’s at College.” First is an addendum to #41  “do not get the shovels from the garage and build a mud volcano in the backyard.” Under sub-point B, please add “No squirting the hose in the air and watching the dogs chase it around the yard until they are covered in mud.”

Should you fail to comply with 41-B, please at least try to remember #12 “Muddy wet dogs should not be permitted to run through the house, jump on the couch, slam into walls, or roll on MY WHITE DOWN DUVET YOU FREAKING IDIOTS. 

I’m sorry about the freaking idiots bit. Let me take a breath.

Also, if you decide to give the dogs a bath after this, don’t use the good towels.

And finally, under the subcategory of “Things I Thought Were Obvious But Apparently Aren’t,” we have a #32 now. Powdered sugar is not a snack.

Seriously. It looked like a cocaine party gone wild when I walked in the kitchen last night. I was hopeful, but a taste confirmed it was in fact, powdered sugar. 

Ok, that’s all, thanks. I’ll print out new pages for your “How to Behave” notebooks before you get home from school.


Happy Friday, Y’all. Post  your own postcard if you got ’em. – lettergirl

6 Responses to “Friday Postcards From the Edge”

  1. ingrid April 3, 2009 at 1:37 pm #

    Man, if I got started I probably wouldn’t stop. My kids and family would really think I’ve gone over the edge around the bend!!!!

    Are you a yeller? I’m a yeller. The kids hate it and me too but they seriously DON’T listen when I tell ’em in the nice voice with a please and thank you attached. And of course they didn’t hear me tell them 3/4 times before I screamed like a banchee. Then I really get annoyed when Joe’s telling me how the neighbors can probably hear me. Grrr, thanks for listening to my mini rant!

  2. dswilson67 April 3, 2009 at 7:43 pm #

    Mandy does need a page in the how to behave book, apparently she think it is acceptable to carry something around that has even been rejected by the grim reaper himself.

  3. Mocha April 4, 2009 at 4:30 pm #

    Dang. That was the best letter to your Jesus gifts.

    Also, to agree with Ingrid…I’m a yeller. They hate it. They know the face that precludes my yelling voice and they try to take cover.

    Doesn’t usually work, though.

  4. amy lozano April 4, 2009 at 6:36 pm #

    okay, on the torpedo: I’m with ya, hadn’t seen the commercial, but now that I have… ewwww.

    On the cleavage… my mom did the same thing to me. Tons of guilt for ever showing any. whhaaatt?

    On the precious gifts from Jesus: sooo funny. loved the powdered sugar/cocaine party comment. That’s when you say ten times in a row… “i love my kids, i love my kids ……..” 🙂

  5. canarygirl April 7, 2009 at 3:27 am #

    Dear precious gifts from Jesus……BWAH-HAHAHAA

    ps…which number is “dish soap is not an acceptable substitute for the water in the watering can for mommy’s precious new garden?”

  6. LGV April 8, 2009 at 12:54 pm #

    Whoa. Wait. What? #32 – Since when is powdered sugar not a snack?

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