To The Poop-Rolling Dog

6 Mar
The Unspeakable Horror

The Unspeakable Horror

The quiet hour is finally here. 9:30 at night. The children are off to bed. You, my dear dog, have been let out for the last time of the evening and welcomed back in with the rest of the herd.

You leap. You snuggle. You lick.

YOU SMELL.

Oh sweet baby Moses in the bull rushes do you ever smell. Before I can even adjust to the olfactory assault, I am hit with a second wave of disgusting realization. You also ooze. And you are sharing the malodorous goo with my shirt. Aack!Aack!Aack! I somehow avoid vomiting or letting out a string of expletives and throw you into the tub.

It is at this point that the husband, genteel and cultured, clad in clothes that do not ooze, comes home from an evening of orchestra practice. This is the difference in our worlds in a nutshell at the moment. And he asks a fateful question.

“Why are you giving the dog a bath at 9:30 at night?”

The expletive dam breaks.

“BECAUSE HE ROLLED IN SHIT OF COURSE! SERIOUSLY. WHY THE HELL ELSE WOULD I BE DOING THIS?!?!?!”

He laughs nervously and beats a quick retreat. He does not stay for the haz-mat decontamination. This is between you and me. Our poopy prom, our dance of de-defecation.

A dog owner should not have favorites, but alas, you are mine. You speak my language, and understand the phrase “do you want to take a nap?” like other dogs salivate over a proposed walk.

If not for your propensity for poop-rolling, and occasional decision to PEE IN YOUR OWN FOOD BOWL so the other dogs won’t come near it, you would be a perfect canine companion.

Alas, you are flawed, and that is probably why I like you best.

I relate to your propensity for getting into unsavory situations despite the best of intentions. My human nature and your canine impulses are not so different.

So I extend grace and dog shampoo to you, and as I scrub, thank God for offering me  His mercies new every morning. 

I change my shirt, I bleach the tub. We start again tomorrow.

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11 Responses to “To The Poop-Rolling Dog”

  1. tami lyn March 6, 2009 at 8:49 am #

    Oh goodness, thank you for the laugh this morning-sorry is was at the expense of a shirt, some Clorox and an almost vomiting moment.

  2. ingrid March 6, 2009 at 9:32 am #

    THAT is exactly why I tell the kids NO we may not have a dog, I’ve given you a brother and sister isn’t that enough?
    ~ingrid

    Btw, hope you don’t mind but I’m adding you to my blogroll, THX!

  3. dawn March 6, 2009 at 9:39 am #

    yeah isn’t that fun?
    I’m a petsitter and a lot of my furry clients eat the poop as well as roll in it. I hope your dog never eats.
    the first time my hubby saw one of my furry clients eating poop he totally hurled…god that was funny.

  4. Cassie March 6, 2009 at 9:45 am #

    Oh dear! Thanks for the morning laugh. I can definitely commiserate. My little corgi, Emma, hasn’t yet picked up on rolling in poo (though she’s only 11 months old, so give her time), but she’ll happily roll in the grass until she’s stained green =P Now if I could just teach her to respond to “do you want to take a nap?” She’s much more enthusiastic about walks =D

  5. Cathy - wheresmydamnanswer March 6, 2009 at 8:37 pm #

    That is so funny – In fact I just got out of the shower with my “therapist” 13 week old Lab pup!! She was a stinky raga muffin!!

  6. Temperance March 7, 2009 at 10:38 am #

    I know this is totaly not relevant, but what bred is your poop rollin hound? We had a dog growuing up that looked like that but could never figure out the breed. (ps: she was self washing, she went for a swim everyday)

  7. canarygirl March 9, 2009 at 12:43 pm #

    Oh MAN! Crapsicles! 😛

  8. Elle March 10, 2009 at 1:16 pm #

    LMAO! And look at the bright side–at least it didn’t happen to me. muac!

    He looks exactly like Phoebe!

  9. Vicki March 13, 2009 at 2:14 pm #

    Stinky dog with such trusting eyes, what a sweetheart.

  10. Deb March 17, 2009 at 5:33 pm #

    HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! That is about as good as my exerpience of the dog raiding the litter box, and then played SeeFood! It was all I could do to hold the vomit back.

  11. mom March 19, 2009 at 7:28 pm #

    you are one sick little daughter and should be in nyt

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