Butt, That’s My Coffee

15 Feb

Dear Fellow Restaurant Patron,

Really few things in life as divinely wonderful as breakfast at Magnolia Pancake Haus, right?  Me, I’m partial to the decadence of the Bananas Foster Pancakes, although on the Saturday morning we met, I had branched out to the Lemon Poppyseed Waffle. 

If I was a clever food blogger like my dear friends, I would have snapped a picture and perhaps tried to recreate it at home, or at least waxed poetic about its merits.

Alas, I’m no food blogger. So this isn’t about my waffle. It’s about your butt.

Really, you were quite the endearing sight. You and your darling wife of many years were out with another dear older couple, the four of you walking slowly but smiling broadly.

Still chivalrous in your golden years, you even helped your wife to her seat. It was precious to see the tenderness.

Your sensitivity to good manners, however, was not accompanied by spatial awareness. So, as you crowded in to offer her your arm, your hindquarters came within a half-inch of my quickly retreating face. And then, your well-mannered rear end came to rest squarely on my coffee cup.

I don’t mean you just brushed it. You settled down there while your lovely bride got settled in her seat. Then, apparently unaware of your ass-ident, you settled down to order your breakfast.

And I? I was caught in a quandary.  I wanted more coffee.

I did not want to… well, kiss your butt.

However, our tables were right next to each other. How to get a new cup without embarrassing you? I still had half a waffle and applewood smoked bacon yet to consume, I needed more coffee.

I started to get panicky.  Did I risk you realizing how you’d butted in to my breakfast? Just drink up and hope your khakis were clean? “Accidentally” knock my cup onto the floor?

Then, my problem was solved when you began to tell stories to your table.

Have you ever been watching TV and have a commercial come on that is WAY WAY LOUDER than the show you were watching? It was like that. And I thought “Thank you Jesus, he won’t hear me ask the nice hostess for a new cup.”

I hope you had a beautiful morning. I hope you keep seating your wife for many years to come, and going to breakfast with old friends.

I raise my coffee cup to toast your happiness. The cup without butt on the side.

8 Responses to “Butt, That’s My Coffee”

  1. Claire February 15, 2009 at 10:31 pm #

    I was expecting some sort of Valentine’s Day grouse. Disappointment~!

  2. elleskitchen February 16, 2009 at 1:53 pm #

    Oh my gosh, that’s the funniest thing I’ve read in a while! hehehe!
    How close together were the tables? Or rather, how large was the butt?
    Either way, sweet and funny, lol.

  3. Katie February 16, 2009 at 2:21 pm #

    This is hilarious! I can’t believe you didn’t say anything like whoa or something as he got that close to your face!

  4. LGV February 17, 2009 at 12:22 pm #

    So many inappropriate responses, so few postable. Counter-seating may have just become the new viable option.

  5. Janet February 17, 2009 at 10:54 pm #

    Be glad he didn’t put his penis in your pudding.

  6. RJ Flamingo February 19, 2009 at 11:28 am #

    I knew there was something I liked about you – fellow coffee-holic! You handled that just right… Butt (you should excuse the expression) next time, keep your cup to the inside of the table, away from the edge & beware of flying Dockers!

  7. ingrid February 24, 2009 at 10:23 am #

    Eeeww. You handled that one well.

  8. Leah March 2, 2009 at 10:38 am #

    was it a big butt? he didn’t even feel the cup?

Comments are closed.

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