Dear Bathroom Hooligans

12 Feb

So, I stopped in your bathroom this morning, something I try to avoid like a root canal without anesthesia, but you know sometimes, it’s unavoidable.

I’m going to be spending the rest of the week getting inpatient PTSD treatment to deal with the horrors I saw, so you’re on your own with dinner. and breakfast. and lunch. Call grandma tomorrow night if I haven’t been released yet, or dad can make you his famous salsa mac and cheese with cut-up hot dogs.

In the meantime, a few explanations so we can keep this from happening again.

1. When you take a bath, the thing at the bottom of the tub with a little metal nob sticking up is the drain stopper. Pull it up and let the water out. I know things are tough in this country, the economy is in the toilet, but you really don’t need to re-use bathwater. Especially not you, son.

2. Speaking of the toilet, it’s where toilet paper goes after use. Not the trash can. Especially not if disgusting unspeakable things have been done with said toilet paper. Seriously. I am bleaching the trash can and my eyes.

3. The following surfaces do not need bandages stuck to them: a) floor tiles, b) the sides of the tub, c) the bathroom rug.  Also, unlike the toilet paper mentioned in point 2, bandage wrappers are an appropriate thing to throw in the trash can. They do not need to wait on the sink counter for a little trash fairy to spirit them away.

4. You can water your plant in the sink, but we are not growing a second plant there. So do not leave the sink covered in dirt.

5. Toothpaste and glass is not a legitimate art medium unless you have your own studio and are getting paid.

6. What is the orange goo? Seriously, I want to know. Wait, Never mind. I don’t.  But please don’t let it reappear again.

7. Point 5 also applies to hair gel and the sink counter.

8. Point specifically for the 5th-grade girl: pulling the tabs off the emergency maxi-pad supplies we have under the sink will neither speed up or delay the timing of you getting your freaking period. Leave them alone.

9.  Point specifically for the 3rd-grade boy: Hold and aim. It’s not rocket science.

10. You’ll notice you have new toothbrushes now. I don’t know what they were doing in the driveway. Maybe running away in horror.

See you when they let me out.

Love,

Mom

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10 Responses to “Dear Bathroom Hooligans”

  1. Bethany February 12, 2009 at 8:43 am #

    Crap… sorry you had to see my kid’s bathroom this morning. Haha!

  2. Elle February 12, 2009 at 8:45 am #

    What the heck IS it with kids and bathrooms? It’s so not hard to pick up after yourself, and not get half a tube of toothpaste all over the sink and mirror. I just don’t get it…

  3. canarygirl February 12, 2009 at 9:26 am #

    Hee! Sounds like our bathroom. Every day. The kids don’t use their own bathroom, they prefer to destroy ours instead. Speaking of bandages and maxi pads—the other day? Sam wallpapered our bathroom in panty liners. Cute, huh?

  4. Molli February 12, 2009 at 10:12 am #

    Yikes!! Sorry Dawn!! (said while lmao of course, b/c I can relate…)

  5. armymamma February 12, 2009 at 11:10 am #

    I am trying like crazy to implement a new “sit to pee” rule in our house. I don’t know who’s aim is worse, my six year old son OR MY THIRTY-TWO YEAR OLD HUSBAND. And I can totally relate to the icky toilet paper in the trash. Isn’t it actually HARDER to get it in the trash vs letting it drop from your hand into the toilet?

  6. Tami Lyn February 12, 2009 at 3:28 pm #

    I see I’m not alone in saying “sorry you had to use our bathroom today”. After the daughter FINALLY gets said period, wait and see. She won’t get the used pads in the garbage. Wait until you step on one of those bad boys at three in the morning, in the dark. Good times, good times.

  7. lettergirl February 12, 2009 at 4:48 pm #

    <—- reads Tami Lyn’s comment, falls to ground and dies. The end.

  8. Kirstin February 15, 2009 at 11:44 am #

    OMG – Brian and I were both laughing til we cried 😉 Your writing is great and the kids gave us our Sunday humor! Sorry you have to deal with the bathroom hooligans though!

  9. Amy February 16, 2009 at 11:56 am #

    OMG, loved, loved, loved this entry! Sorry it was so painful for you, though. Really. As far as the trash can, I think there is not enough bleach this side of the Mississippi to deal with it. I’d throw it out. Scratch that – I’d make him throw it out. And then buy a new one. Maybe with his allowance money. Seriously. Whoever springs for it, I think it’s worth it. Thanks for the chuckles. LMAO is a great way to start a Monday.

  10. ingrid February 24, 2009 at 10:30 am #

    Geesh, my youngest and her Dad are the worse. Talk about slobs!! The Twins do a better job cleaning up after themselves than their Dad or sister!
    ~ingrid

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