So, I stopped in your bathroom this morning, something I try to avoid like a root canal without anesthesia, but you know sometimes, it’s unavoidable.
I’m going to be spending the rest of the week getting inpatient PTSD treatment to deal with the horrors I saw, so you’re on your own with dinner. and breakfast. and lunch. Call grandma tomorrow night if I haven’t been released yet, or dad can make you his famous salsa mac and cheese with cut-up hot dogs.
In the meantime, a few explanations so we can keep this from happening again.
1. When you take a bath, the thing at the bottom of the tub with a little metal nob sticking up is the drain stopper. Pull it up and let the water out. I know things are tough in this country, the economy is in the toilet, but you really don’t need to re-use bathwater. Especially not you, son.
2. Speaking of the toilet, it’s where toilet paper goes after use. Not the trash can. Especially not if disgusting unspeakable things have been done with said toilet paper. Seriously. I am bleaching the trash can and my eyes.
3. The following surfaces do not need bandages stuck to them: a) floor tiles, b) the sides of the tub, c) the bathroom rug. Also, unlike the toilet paper mentioned in point 2, bandage wrappers are an appropriate thing to throw in the trash can. They do not need to wait on the sink counter for a little trash fairy to spirit them away.
4. You can water your plant in the sink, but we are not growing a second plant there. So do not leave the sink covered in dirt.
5. Toothpaste and glass is not a legitimate art medium unless you have your own studio and are getting paid.
6. What is the orange goo? Seriously, I want to know. Wait, Never mind. I don’t. But please don’t let it reappear again.
7. Point 5 also applies to hair gel and the sink counter.
8. Point specifically for the 5th-grade girl: pulling the tabs off the emergency maxi-pad supplies we have under the sink will neither speed up or delay the timing of you getting your freaking period. Leave them alone.
9. Point specifically for the 3rd-grade boy: Hold and aim. It’s not rocket science.
10. You’ll notice you have new toothbrushes now. I don’t know what they were doing in the driveway. Maybe running away in horror.
See you when they let me out.