Dear Michelle Duggar

30 Jan

I’m sorry I had to miss you and Billy Bubba Jim  Bob on “The View “this week. I would have watched, but you know, I hate “The View.”

If I want to hear that level of intellectual discourse and reasoned conversation I can just open the bedroom window at 2 a.m. when one of the neighborhood stray cats is in heat. I named the strays  Barbara, Joy, Whoopi and Elisabeth, and occasionally yell out the window “What do you think of Obama?”

( BTW, Elisabeth the tabby is missing an ear from the time I told them “Sarah Palin’s totally qualified to be VP!”  And Sherri Shepherd, what are you doing there? You seem kind of cool.)

Anyway, I missed it.

But of course, thanks to the magic of YouTube, I can watch it. Michelle, you looked lovely. Usually you’re rocking that mullet hair in your denim jumpers, but apparently the heathen wardrobe and makeup department gave Cletus Ray Jim Bob some kind of sedative so he would allow you to be tarted up with the devil’s face paint and wear normal clothes. Even the mullet bangs were pulled back in a camouflage ploy.

Although, as I’m writing, I’m wondering if the mullet is the secret to your seductive pull over Jimmy Dean Jim Bob. Maybe with the mullet down, he might just attack you on the couch. It was probably for the best.

Michelle, you seem like such a nice person, and I love Jesus, too,  so I am not going to even get into the whole purity rings and dates with Daddy because I respect that. It seems like a bit of misfocused priorities. But I am sure if we sat down over some tater tot casserole, we’d have plenty to talk about. Unless you had to hop up suddenly and give birth.

But when you start talking about number 19, in the words of my dear friend Jane, I get a little stabby. Let me be really clear about this. YOU HAVE ENOUGH KIDS. I know God said to go forth and multiply. But even Israel had only 12 tribes. When you can not only field your own baseball team, but two teams plus managers, it’s enough.

You saying God obviously wants you to have more kids or you wouldn’t get pregnant is like me saying God obviously wants me to weigh 350 pounds or he wouldn’t have let someone invent Krispy Kremes.

Need to continue nurturing little ones? Volunteer at a children’s shelter. You and Johnny RayJim Bob are obviously bright, articulate people with a lot to offer. You don’t have to birth children to impact their lives. You don’t have to populate a community to make a difference in one.

Teach some classes in household organization to struggling single moms. Take those skills you all learned building your own house and go fix a senior’s roof. Just do something that doesn’t involve your uterus.

Love,

1-800-Vasectomy Now

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10 Responses to “Dear Michelle Duggar”

  1. kellypea January 30, 2009 at 12:31 pm #

    Elle sent me…and no wonder. You’re hilarious and I’m right with you on this. Go figure. So many things I could say about it they all want out of my mouth at the same time. Unbelievable (you can tell I don’t watch daytime tv, right?)

  2. Stephany January 30, 2009 at 12:43 pm #

    Here Here! I couldn’t have said it better myself!

  3. Elle January 31, 2009 at 8:04 am #

    Clown Car. That’s all I’m sayin’.

  4. Claire January 31, 2009 at 6:36 pm #

    They’re like a game of Scattergories… how many first names can you list that start with J?

  5. dawn February 1, 2009 at 12:03 pm #

    One night when I had taken one of my valium to help me sleep, I saw that show of “34 and Counting”. Since I was nice and stoned I could not help but crack a rib laughing at the mothers’ hair and become obessed with waiting for someone to cut it, style it, wash it, anything. Why hasn’t someone in the TLC broadcasting, crew, makeup artists, etc.. stepped in and said “look, this hair of yours has to go…”

  6. Janet February 1, 2009 at 9:14 pm #

    Really, I think the mullet hair is the 19th Duggar baby. Did anyone else see how much hairspray Jim Bob uses on his OWN hair? (and, truthfully, isn’t that vanity, which Our Lord hath forbade…) Over time, that much hairspray buildup has to have created its own genetic profile and implanted itself in Michelle’s hair, thereby creating mullet baby #19. Suggestions for names, anyone? Jidal Sassoon? Jarnier Fructis? Jerbal Essences? Why not – they’ve already got Jinger.

  7. armymamma February 2, 2009 at 11:56 am #

    I wish I were as good of a Mom as Michelle Duggar, and I wish I had enough faith to leave it up to God. I’m just terrified of ending up with 18 (let’s be honest, even 5) kids.

  8. ingrid February 7, 2009 at 9:49 pm #

    oh, holy cow! You have quite the way with words.
    ~ingrid

  9. Rafael September 2, 2009 at 11:14 am #

    “even Israel only had 12 tribes” that was hilarious!

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