Dear Quiznos:
I am not ever going be able to order the Toasty Torpedo. Because I get the feeling after watching your new commercial that it just doesn’t like me that way. It’s in some kind of weird threesome with Scott the chef and the hot glowing oven. Phrases that should never be in a fast-food commercial: ”Put it in me, Scott.”
On the other hand, I say to Sonic all the time. “I wish I knew how to quit you.” So maybe the Brokeback Mountain Advertising strategy is not so far out there.
Longingly Yours,
Confused Consumer
Dear Mom,
Get your dickeys out, it’s National Cleavage Day. I’d celebrate, but since you made me completely boob-paranoid by sewing little lace dickeys across the neckline of any v-neck shirt I owned, or adding an extra totally obvious snap, I’m already wearing a cami. However, you should totally go help Jenny at The Blogess. She’s having a total rack attack. You may need to bring snaps and a dickey.
Love,
Got You Covered
Dear Precious Gifts from Jesus,
I have a few more things to add to the growing list of “Things You Are Not Allowed to Do While Mom’s at College.” First is an addendum to #41 ”do not get the shovels from the garage and build a mud volcano in the backyard.” Under sub-point B, please add “No squirting the hose in the air and watching the dogs chase it around the yard until they are covered in mud.”
Should you fail to comply with 41-B, please at least try to remember #12 “Muddy wet dogs should not be permitted to run through the house, jump on the couch, slam into walls, or roll on MY WHITE DOWN DUVET YOU FREAKING IDIOTS.
I’m sorry about the freaking idiots bit. Let me take a breath.
Also, if you decide to give the dogs a bath after this, don’t use the good towels.
And finally, under the subcategory of “Things I Thought Were Obvious But Apparently Aren’t,” we have a #32 now. Powdered sugar is not a snack.
Seriously. It looked like a cocaine party gone wild when I walked in the kitchen last night. I was hopeful, but a taste confirmed it was in fact, powdered sugar.
Ok, that’s all, thanks. I’ll print out new pages for your “How to Behave” notebooks before you get home from school.
Love,
Mom
Happy Friday, Y’all. Post your own postcard if you got ‘em. – lettergirl
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