Archive | April, 2009

Signs of the Apocalypse, Part II

29 Apr

As if the plague of Swine Flu is not enough, look what is in the neighbors’ yard right this minute.

Giant Lizard

A GIANT LIZARD. I am pretty sure it eats babies. And has probably HAD babies, come to think of it. And come to think of it some more, those babies will probably descend en masse on the house tonight , dropping down through the vents and crawling around on me while I am sleeping.

At least that is what I am going to imagine is happening every time I hear a noise.

Because SERIOUSLY this lizard is at least a foot long, and it is just sitting out in the yard like he owns the place. Every child in the neighborhood is gathered around it, and it’s assessing them like they’re the buffet at Golden Corral.

I am screaming helpful advice like “DO NOT POKE THE LIZARD WITH YOUR SONIC STRAW! NO!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T PUT THE STRAW BACK IN YOUR DRINK!!!”

Now, the last time I checked, we did not live in an area populated by giant baby-eating lizards, so this one probably came up from Mexico and is carrying Swine Flu.

We are all going to die, Internet. Hold me.

20 Years

29 Apr

4-29-2009-113432-am1

His ring in that picture? Lost mowing the lawn.

The diamond in mine? Flew off the mounting while I was putting gas in the car and never found.

Nonetheless, we’re still holding hands.

Surviving the A-pork-alypse

27 Apr

You may not have heard, but we’re undergoing a little bit of a “situation” here in South Texas. Couple of kids at a nearby high school came down with Swine Flu. So  just down the road, the schools are closed, church services canceled, and you cannot turn on the TV without hearing “pandemic” at least 30 times an hour in a special report from Correspondent Piglet Little.

Happy Monday.

I am dealing with it in my own special way.

swine flu

Why just face the virus with a standard surgical mask?

Bonus tip: breathe in too deeply after you’ve made those little nostrils with a Sharpie marker, and “high on the hog” is going to take on a whole new meaning.

I have some additional precautionary measures in place as well. Our kids’ school, for instance, remains open. So on advice from my friend Sherri at This Blessed Mess,  we slathered them with Purell and sent them on their way using alternate transportation arrangements.

hamster-ball

At least it’s not like it was when I was a kid and the trip was uphill both ways.

Some of the paranoia is a little overkill, however. Contrary to some hysterics, you do not need to give up eating ham and bacon to avoid swine flu. This should be obvious, since *duh* both of those are made from “cured” pork. It says so right on the package.

It’s also important not to confuse other possible ailments for Swine Flu.  Symptoms for Swine Flu, according to the CDC, include fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue.

If you are suddenly feeling like you should move to Iceland, singing eclectic avant-garde music, and wearing unusual outfits to premieres, however? That indicates something more serious. You may have a strain of the disease seen only once before.

Swan Flu

Swan Flu.

P.S. The kids down the road are recovering just fine.  If by any chance you got here searching for “Swine Flu” and need some real information, you can get it here: CDC Swine Flu Information.

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